Bathroom Beef Ko, Toilet Beef Ni

This is Naijawife’s Rebuttal piece to Bathroom Beef written by Naija Husband!

When I was a little girl, if my siblings annoyed me and I went to report them to my parents, they would allow me to rant and rave for a few minutes and then they would ask “So what did you yourself do to piss them off?” They knew that there were two sides to every story, and even if I wanted to pretend to myself that I was 100% blameless, I knew they were right. Let’s settle this bathroom Beef!

While NH has made me out to be the instigator of all the bathroom wahala, the truth is that NH started this bathroom beef, not me. But since he’s laid it on the table, let’s cook it up and serve it for dinner.

I do not deny that I love the shower. and I do not deny that I like to wander around my house doing a million things while the shower is still running. I am a woman. I multitask. I accomplish many things in the morning this way. No, I don’t consider it a waste of water. I consider it a “moisturization” of the home. Who needs a humidifier if you can run the shower?

I also do not deny that I insist he lotion his body. I want to run my hands down his back and not bleed afterwards. Is that asking too much? If he’s well oiled, he’ll look like

Unlike Naija Husband, Tyrese Gibson uses lotion for sure
Tyrese Gibson uses lotion for sure

But if he doesn’t he’ll resemble.

Ashy Larry. a.k.a Naija Husband's ashy alter ego
Ashy Larry. a.k.a NH’s ashy alter ego

Or even worse.

Not just ashy. Multicolored Ashy
Not just ashy. Multicolored Ashy

Yet, while i do not deny my bathroom behavior may be a bit much…the truth is that I myself have bathroom beef with NH. Or better yet. TOILET BEEF.

If I love the shower, then NH loves the toilet. I mean really, truly loves it. I have never met a man so in love with a toilet in my entire life.

NaijaHusband Loves The Toilet just like Al Bundy
NaijaHusband Loves The Toilet just like Al Bundy

Back in the days when NH was toasting me, he would come to visit me after work. I was always excited to see him and would have spent the day in preparation, knowing my sweetheart was coming over. Perfume, makeup, the dangly gold earrings I knew he’d always liked, my cutest clothes on (the best I could find on my student budget), I’d open the door slowly, without fail, as though to say “Look at me in all my hotness. I am all you should be interested in right now.” He’d hug me and his eyes would catch mine, acknowledging my “don’t you find me beautiful?” message briefly, but then they’d slowly glaze over as his head turned in the direction of the bathroom.

The tight hug he’d given me would loosen in its grip. He would adjust his tie, remove his jacket, pull out his shirt tails, grab a magazine and proceed to the bathroom.

For the next hour, I would sit crouched on the edge of my chair, waiting for signs that he was ready to come out. A telltale flush and the sound of running water would usually indicate that any normal person was ready to come out. But not so with NH, it just meant he was ready for round 2.

So much for a romantic evening. This happened every, single, time. there’s nothing more frustrating than sitting in a chair all dressed up and listening to the sounds of this same man you’re trying to hook as he ravishes your toilet.  It’s a miracle we even stayed together given that most of our dating occurred with a toilet door between us. It got to a point that I was almost jealous of the porcelain goddess in my bathroom. That thing that had the power to hold his attention for hours, while I languished, waiting for her to “release him”. I probably should have seen it as a warning sign and run off….but the boy has powerful jazz and I stayed put with him.

But I still warned him, even back then, that if we ever married, we’d have to have separate bathrooms (thinking ahead of bathroom beef). Fast forward a few years later. We’re getting married and seeking out our future home. NH wanted to be cheap and said we should manage with a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom. “After all”, he said, “We have no kids, we can just “manage” for now.”


Najia Wife does Ali G style
O boy? we must have two bathrooms o!

Ok, so maybe I didn’t say “talk to the hand.” Maybe what I said was “Oh but darling if your mother comes to visit nko? Won’t she need her own bathroom? Do you want to inconvenience her by making her share with us?”

Ah he saw the light then, once I mentioned his beloved mum.

Mama Dee
Mama Dee

Just joking. His mum is nothing like Mama Dee on Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. His mum is more like.

Naija Husband's Mother just like Queen Elizabeth II
Naija Husband’s Powerful Mother

Kind and sweet but still the Queen and in control. =)

NH can’t deny that I requested 2 bathrooms even before we married. Yes, it upped the cost, but I foresaw wahala if we didn’t have separate toilets. So we got the two bathroom flat, married, moved in and I thought my problems were over. Naturally, I assumed he would branch into the second toilet and leave me in peace with my own. But “love nwa titi” meant that Naija Husband came looking for my trouble in my own bathroom. Sneaking into my shower in the name of love. Jumping out again to save his skin.  *Sigh*. I didn’t have the heart to kick him out at first, even though his toilet antics hadn’t decreased with marriage o. I managed to tolerate it sha….but then I made the huge mistake of buying him an IPAD Mini.

Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life.

Naija Wife HATES ipadmini
Naija Wife HATES ipadmini

IPAD is the destroyer of romance. Ladies, if your man loves the toilet. Don’t buy him an IPAD.  He will use the IPAD as an excuse to double up on his time in there. Half the time he’s not even doing anything. He’s just thinking as he sits and unwinding the stress of the day. I understand that feeling because the shower has the same effect on me but NH goes above and beyond and uses the toilet to think, work, plan, browse and blog.

Some of you asked how he can sit still while I walk around naked. NH should have confessed that he’s usually too busy playing with this IPAD Mini to even notice my free peep show. to add insult to injury, he’s now asking me to buy him this:

The IPAD stand made for Toilet lovers like Naija Husband
The IPAD stand made for Toilet lovers like Naija Husband

At which point I decided it was time to move him permanently into the guest bathroom.

Sure, it may take me an hour to actually enter my shower but now that we have separate bathrooms, you’d think NH wouldn’t be late for work anymore. But he STILL IS. You know why? Because the whole time I’m running about getting a million things done, he’s only concerned with one task. His toilet. I may run the shower, cook a meal, surf the web, iron my clothes, pack some snacks, get clothes for work, and check our accounts all while I’m in the middle of “showering”, but NH will be where? Still-on-the-toilet. If we’re ever just chilling at home and he disappears for a while, I know he’s in the toilet. Not the bedroom, not the kitchen. The beloved toilet that I have promised myself I will one day smash to bits.

Do you know how many times I have said goodbye to my darling NH through a closed toilet door? Time without measure. I have grown accustomed to the sound of his honeyed baritone passing through the cracks of the door as he says “Have a great day at work darling. Love you!”

Love you too, hun.

My name is Naijawife and you can read Naija Husband’s original post on our Bathroom Beef




50 responses to “Bathroom Beef Ko, Toilet Beef Ni”

  1. niyoola Avatar

    Naijahusband!!!!!! So you are a porcelain throne king, and you had us biffing NW.
    Better to be a bathroon hugger than toilet hugger.

    1. Naija Husband Avatar
      Naija Husband

      Ah but what’s not to love about the toilet?

  2. HoneyDame Avatar

    You both are crazy!!!n!! He has toilet beef, you have bathroom beef or vice versa… both deserve each other, abeg! Continue beefing in love and affection…sisi, u better collect ur iPad mini back o, before u become iyawo to ipad miniz iyale

    1. naijahusband Avatar

      Sometimes Naijawife hides the ipadmini…as if I wouldn’t know how to find it immediately.

  3. chocoholicgirl1 Avatar

    lwtmb… the both of you are hilarious …. but I feel ur pain after all the effort you put into getting ready he will go and sit in d toilet …. allowing your dress and perfume to waste …SMH!! but then again am guilty of that toilet thing too … if i go in with a book just know I won’t come out till am done with the book 🙂 …and I support you shower dance jor! No mind Oga @ d top!

    1. naijahusband Avatar

      if anything, the toilet helped us ‘avoid temptation’. Methinks she should be grateful

  4. nkiru Avatar

    Just like my husband. Toilet lover.

    1. naijahusband Avatar

      I am not alone! Yes!

  5. Lady Ngo Avatar

    LMBO. This is seriously the first time i’ve heard of having two bathrooms and it has nothing to do with privacy/smelly bathroom habits lol.

    1. Abi Tobi Sanni (@Abiliciouss) Avatar

      lol I agree! first time.. I am a toilet lover too hehehe, I dunno, good ideas come from just seating there lol

      but NH don’t let her smash the toilet oh! lol

  6. Adenike Avatar

    LOL.. I wonder hw visitors cope with you two! You ar just hilarious! Hain…

    1. Naija Husband Avatar
      Naija Husband

      We had a visitor this week…things got messy

  7. livelytwist Avatar

    Naija wife I enjoyed reading your rejoinder, laughing all the way. I see you love & accept one another. Please buy him the iPad stand for toilet lovers & let him come up with something for you- something for multi-tasking shower lovers!

    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      Naija wife would like a stand that lets her watch tv in the shower… I think that’s a lot more dangerous than my iPad toilet roll stand

      1. ...just call me Jay. (@nuruJAY) Avatar

        Heh heh…
        Not if you got an Aquavision tv. They don’t come cheap though. Only the rich in Naija have asked us *shameless plug* for them.

  8. biola Avatar

    toilet beef and bathroom guess this adds to the fun and memories in your marriage…

  9. Cherie28 Avatar

    You two are so adorable I swear. I’d so like to have you both as friends. Its nice to read the other side of the story. Btw how can someone be obsessed with the toilet?? That’s weird! Love this post 🙂

    1. Browneyedgirl Avatar

      @ Cherie28 My thoughts exactly (all except for the “that’s weird”). To each his own 😀

  10. 1 + The One Avatar

    Love this post! Too too hilarious! And can I say again and again that I love your blog… The excitement when I see a notification of a new post….. excessive! lol

    Thank God for hearing (reading) the other side of the story (And NW, you did it justice!) Please enjoy your shower time.. hehe

    And NH.. enjoy your errr toilet time lol

  11. itsetosan Avatar

    This rejoinder got me laughing silly in my office… I’ve reached one conclusion you both are crazy and just right for each other.


  12. Myne Whitman Avatar

    I was just laughing like crazy. You’re both so witty, lol…

  13. Toin Avatar

    I second Honeydame, you both are crazy but good crazy. Leme just look for space to pack my apoti on this blog. Wouldn’t want to miss a post

    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      We’re hoping that crazy aspect keeps us going for years to come.

      1. geebee Avatar

        It better keep you guys mehn. Don’t think any being can or will cope with either of your crazy selves as beautifully as you do.

  14. Olori Avatar

    NaijaWife oooo! You had me at “‘moisturization’ of the home” lol. I doubt you believe that story yourself.
    After hearing your side of the story, I think y’all are even.
    I wonder why Jerry Springer is coming to mind at this time. lol
    Nice post NY.

  15. Sayedero Enytan Avatar

    LMAO!! I love this blog!! you actually give me hope…lool


  16. highlandblue Avatar

    LOL I don’t even know where to begin with this

  17. Sykik Avatar

    Oh my days, I am following your blog sharply….you and Madame sense of humor is on another level.

    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      Thank you! Your blog is on my follow list as well.

  18. Aloted Avatar

    Lol. You are both two cute. Dunno who I like better.

    Um enjoy ur toilet privacy days. When naijakids come that may be history.

    Oh right it’s mummy they always follow about to the toilet and bathroom. Sigh. Naijamum take note. Lol

    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      Do they really follow their mothers into the bathroom? Do mothers smell that sweet? Naijawife I bear no jealousy towards you in that regard

  19. Abiola Avatar

    This is so hilarious…av to go read the first part now…

    And thanks for visiting my blog, already subscribed to NH posts now.


    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      Thanks for the visit Abiola.

  20. Clarion Avatar

    Hehehehehe! WHAT!!! You have literarily “opened his yansh” so he likes the toilet that much & complains about you & the bathroom? I’m taking sides here o, haba NH! Leave NW alone jare, she wins this round. 🙂

    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      She won that battle. Even I had to admit

  21. Timi Avatar

    Wow. It’s like I wrote this. My husband does the same thing.

    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      I am not alone! Please have your husband write in to show his support

  22. a-9ja-great Avatar

    I love the kind of relationship you guys share.It’s not just marriage but a level of friendship that will stand the tests of quarrels and what not.You should keep it up please.NW is just as crazy/hilarious as her husband NH.This is the kind of thing i want with the woman i want to settle with.

    1. Naija Husband Avatar

      Amen. Amen. Amen.

  23. UN Avatar

    a-9ja0great on_ hit me up lets see if we can give them a run for their money *winks!

    for real though, nice post and from a guy! tolerance and sense of humor is priceless!

  24. […] just stop there.  Signs started appearing on my briefcase, my TV screen and even on my beloved toilet. Anywhere she thought I’d look, she’d place a sign to let me know her current mood.  I […]

  25. Duchess Avatar

    Naijawife is a woman after my heart. Even when you’re not the cause of his lateness, he will still try to blame it on you after sitting in the toilet for hours…I enjoy reading your post, its so hilarious.

  26. […] Why? Because that’s what home is. Home is the place where Naijawife can wear a showercap and have extremely unsexy moments. Home is the place where she can crack chicken bones while watching her favorite reality shows. Home is also the place where I feel free to walk around in my boxers, scratch incessantly and sit in the loo for as long as I feel like. […]

  27. tnuola Avatar

    So I wouldn’t lie, I’m a toilet lover myself, I started with storybooks when I was younger, then I advanced to Novels, blackberry and now my ipad. To be honest, I play my highest game scores on the porcelin throne.


  28. Sabssster_ Avatar

    He should be careful with his spending time on the toilet seat. I used to be guilty of that till I found out it could cause hermorrhoids. That’s my two cents. I love your blog. The good lord bless your union fam

  29. Seun Ola-Sotonade Avatar

    Oh my God! I’ve bn married 4 a year n gurl can I true.lovn ds!its a relief to ve somtin Nigerians can so relate to.
    Good job guys!

  30. Adelola Avatar

    NW,I also prefer d Tyrese Gibson look to d others. So lotion is important. LWTMB

  31. Zinny Avatar

    OMG. That picture with the ipad stand and tissue paper holder killed me. Gotta say,I am a huge fan of the toilet. I can read,blog,listen to music,even sleep on it.
    I’m on your husband’s side this time.

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