Shower Caps and Chicken Bones

Shower caps are not sexy.

Neither are hairnets, hair scarves, do-rags, hair pins or those colorful sticks naijawife sometimes puts in her hair. Yet my married life has been full of all these items.

I work very late at night, so typically by the time I come home, Naijawife is just finishing her typical hours-long bath. Ideally, the image that should present should be something like

Welcome home NaijaHusband...I've been waiting

Welcome home NaijaHusband…I’ve been waiting for you…and I have no shower cap on my head

But in all actuality it’s more like.

Oh you’re home? Ẹ Káàbo o! Didn’t hear the door open

When you’re just dating someone, you’re used to seeing the finished product.  As a man, you probably have no insight into the little rituals that women go through just to look merely presentable.  In the morning and at night, I can bath and just comb my hair and I’m ready to go.

My wife however, (after her incredibly long showers of course), prepares for bed by going through an elaborate process of brushing her hair (if she’s got one of those “Weaves” in) and pinning it around her head, or braiding it up so it looks like it’s saying “waka” to God. (if its her natural hair).

Whatever the type of hair on her head at the moment, she usually tops off the process of brushing, twisting, tying and clipping by wrapping her head with a scarf.

Chris Brown might like scarves at night...but we all know his judgment is questionable

Chris Brown might like scarves at night…but we all know his judgment is questionable

Once that scarf/hairnet/haircap/moodkiller is on, any thoughts of love typically rush out of my head (albeit only momentarily. I am a man of course). Eventually I’ll try my best to rip the scarf off “accidentally” from her head, pretending I was simply caught up in the moment. But she will, without fail, always stop in the middle of whatever we’re doing, to retie it.

“Do you want my hair to be messed up in the morning?” She’ll ask.

She is right about that. Though I hate to admit it, those scarves are a necessary evil. The one time I managed to convince her not to use the scarf….I did not like the result the next morning.

One of the many things about marriage that I have come to learn is that its nothing like what I expected, but everything I did not and more.

In addition to not realizing how much ritual went into women getting ready. I also had no idea that Naijawife was anything but perfectly um… “classy” all the time.  I think I pictured marriage as this fantasy like affair where you’d come home to one another, eat delicious food, have sex a few times that day and fall asleep in each others arms.  I somehow pictured that my wife was sexy 24/7, be it 2 a.m or 5 p.m. and never had a hair out of place.  By the time the honeymoon buzz wore off  (when we were back at home, and back at work), I had to settle down to realize that my wife is, well…

Let me explain.

Do you see this chicken?

Free roaming chicken

This chicken roamed wild and free, unaware of what plans Naijawife had for him

The first week we were back from our honeymoon, Naijawife cooked up some very delicious chicken. It was properly seasoned, diced and sliced.

Then dinner time came and we sat down to eat.  I rushed through my food as usual and looked over at my wife. There she was, taking her time, savoring every bite of the food. I thought she was simply appreciating her own cooking, when ten minutes later, I looked over to Naijawife and found her plate like this

Naijawife smashed the chicken. Literally

Naijawife smashed the chicken. Literally

Is she a werewolf? What happened to the girl I dated that looked like butter couldn’t melt in her mouth? The one who taught me the “proper” way to arrange a table and laughed because I didn’t know what hors d’oeuvres and crudités were? The same girl who, when I took her to a restaurant, told me I slurped too loudly when drinking soup and that I was showing my bush origins in public.

Now technically. I can’t claim to have been deceived. Naijawife still is very much a lady, especially in public. But when she’s at home, and feels comfortable in her surroundings, she drops the rules and does as she pleases.

Why? Because that’s what home is. Home is the place where Naijawife can wear a showercap and have extremely unsexy moments. Home is the place where she can crack chicken bones while watching her favorite reality shows. Home is also the place where I feel free to walk around in my boxers, scratch incessantly and sit in the loo for as long as I feel like.

I’ve heard my fellow brothers in this marriage journey complain that “once the vows were said, she stopped making an effort”.  Right. It may seem that way really, but I’ve learned fast that such views are unrealistic and asking your wife to put on a “show” 24/7 just to hold your attention is incredibly selfish. Especially when you yourself make no such efforts to live in such pretense.

This is what marriage is. Sometimes your wife will resemble a character from “Nneka goes to school” and on some days she will outshine Beyoncé. Some days she will be Queen of the fork and knife, and others days you might think she’s a werewolf. When you make a vow, you promise to accept those aspects of one another, no matter what.

 

 

 

 

NaijaHusband

Welcome to the musings of the “not so typical” Naijahusband and his lovely Naijawife. Follow us on Twitter: NaijaHusband and NaijaWife

106 Comments

  1. Funny as usual but this is the truth. All that posing is for outside. In my home I should be able to relax and do as I please.
    On point!

  2. lool. This was really fun to read. Incredible piece. Very crucial points were raised. When a person is in their comfort zone, they become more and more like themselves and less of the “picture” we were used to. I really love this. Great stuff

  3. Omg!!!! I totally love this. Very realistic picture of marriage, and in your usual down to earth manner.Helps to realign expectations away from those imaginary pictures the books and movies sell to us. I laughed all the way through. Several totally hilarious points for me.

    This totally nailed it for me. “Home is the place where Naijawife can wear a showercap and have extremely unsexy moments. Home is the place where she can crack chicken bones while watching her favorite reality shows. Home is also the place where I feel free to walk around in my boxers, scratch incessantly and sit in the loo for as long as I feel like”.

    Truly, home is the place where both parties can be 100% themselves. And I can see that men truly detest that hair scarf/net/whatever contraption it’s called. LOL!!!

  4. Hahahaha taking mental notes for when I get married and stuff. Yeah the scarves are kinda unsegsy but it does pay to see ladies in their natural state, that in itself carries a certain segsiness to it.

    • She does. Not often, but every now and then depending on how hot it is in the house.
      I’ve noticed she likes to pick fights more when she does. Hands on her hips. Wrapper around her waist. Hair standing on end. Finger waving at me in the air… Such a vision.

  5. LWTMB!!!! llloooooolll!! abeg! but I agree with u … I can’t stand hair net , scarves and all that and you will never catch me dead or alive in one of them contraptions but i do the whole posh thing outside and at home I let go cos well life is too short! …. my hair will stand on end and I wear next to nothing-as little as possible, too much heat in naija plus no light- (guess my husband will appreciate that 😉 ) I am guilty of the chicken thing, I have no manners when it comes to meat I must eat the life out of the Chicken and crack all the bones abeg!

    • You sound just like NW. Right down to the wearing “next to nothing” bit at home.
      I didn’t know a woman’s hair could stand on end until I met her. That “Nneka goes to school” comment I made describes the look of it.

      • AS in seriously, everything you say about naijawife reminds me of me. it simultaneously freaks me out and makes me laugh and I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in my “madness” … when I read your post on things naija wife says I could only cover my face cos I do the same thing.

  6. Lol! Truly salient points here, one can’t be all made up & posh all the time na, you have to let loose every now & then. Do guys really hate hair nets that much? My husband doesn’t seem to mind. I remember one time just before we got married & I had to crash at his place. I hadn’t made my hair so I wore a wig. I was soo uncomfortable, enduring the itch & wishing for the freedom of my own room when he suddenly looked at me & asked “won’t you relax & remove that wig?” I explained that my hair was a mess & didn’t want him to see me like that. He laughed so hard, “so you will sleep like that? After we marry nko? Will you be pretending fine girl all the time? Abeg remove the thing & relax jor” He gave me net to use & that was it. No pretence, no forming 😀

  7. LMAO. I sha love everything I read this Blog. Abeg just leave our hair net / shower cap / scarf alone. It’s necessary it stays on for the peace of d country.

  8. Thank you for not writing a note on “how to look 100%, 24-hrs of the day, cook the best meal all the time and be a lady in and out of season so that your husband will not stray”. Refreshing, real-life, honest post!

    At least now I’m not racking my brains on how I will ever meet up to the standards of being the ‘perfect’ wife. NaijaWife for President! Lol

    • I saw the political rally chant for the Bone Crunchers Party you guys had Naijawife draw up. I’m shaking my head but will repost it here.

      [VERSE 1]
      Bringing life to our country, sucking out the bad marrow
      A nation under BCP is on the straight and narrow!
      Better Life with BCP! There is no single doubt!
      Better Life with BCP! No famine and no drought!

      [CHANT]
      Fellow Widows BCP! University Students BCP!
      Market Women BCP! Taxi Drivers BCP!
      NYSC Corpers BCP! Twitter Users BCP!
      BCP! BCP! BCP! BCP!

      [VERSE 2]
      Goodbye to poverty! Crunch it like chicken bone!
      Goodbye to corruption! Smash it like chicken bone.
      Goodbye to NEPA! Dismantled like chicken bone!
      Goodbye to Boko Haram! Mangled like chicken bone!

  9. This is such an interesting post. I am loving your blog the more I read your posts. I like how you were being real with your expectations in marriage and what it turned out to be and how you have learnt to understand and appreciate your wife regardless.

  10. Very honest yet funny points. The guys should actually be worried if we doll up 24/7. Every married man must complain of hair nets, granny panties and the famous weave itch. Lol. It’s all part of the package. Just ask Jay-Z. Hehehehe

    • If i tell you how many long metal combs NW carries around in her purse just for scratching her head…. I had to beg her not to wear weaves anymore.

  11. She hasn’t scared you with her clay facial masks? You ain’t seen nothing yet bruv!

    • Gbemi. I haven’t even mentioned her toothpaste pimple remedies …that might be a post for another day. There was only so many words I wanted to type this time!

  12. I just had to comment today. Av been a silent observer. its always interesting coming here. You tell real life stories humorously. God bless you. Naija wife is blessed. Hope to me my blessed NH soon, amen 🙂

  13. Dear NaijaHusband please if she must wear any scarf or cap cos of her hair, she should cut it. Abi you no like low cut?

    Whether na Nneka abi na Beyonce, ahem, she walking around half naked should solve plenty problems. No? Abi am I trespassing beyond boundaries? 🙂

    • Sadly the walking around naked only occurs when she’s not eating chicken…she prefers to tie wrapper for that endeavor.
      So unless she’s never going to eat chicken again, the problem remains!

      • By wrapper do you mean a sarong, or do you mean the devices acquired/made in the village? Maybe you should try dressing the chicken up so she thinks the occasion is really special. That will bring out the Beyonce in her

        • Wrapper as in the contraption you wear while munching chewing stick. Village made. Well worn in.
          I do “dress the chicken up” by taking her out on date nights (and she does get properly dolled up for those) but if the place I take her to isn’t fancy enough, she’ll just bring the chicken out again and finish her task.

          • lol @ ” if the place I take her to isn’t fancy enough, she’ll just bring the chicken out again and finish her task.”

  14. The comments are just as rib cracking as the post itself….. Tis not easy to be a wife oh

  15. Lovely blog here. Funny but true. I like the fact that you deal with all you are being thrown. As a newly married but very accomodating naija man! LOL!

  16. God bless you. Particularly for the nuggets you serve amidst all the wit. God bless you both and this ‘ministry’ you’ve begun… 😉

  17. Wow!!! Just bookmarked your blog, to think this is just the 1st post I’m reading.

    Btw we love our hairnets and scarves!!!

  18. Pls what’s Naija wife’s blog address?i need to subscribe to it just like I did to urs.i loveeeeee ur blog.read all the posts

    • Hi tee! Naijawife doesn’t have a separate blog. She just likes to hijack this blog when she’s ready to write something! But you can follow her on Twitter @naijawife and I’m on @naijahusband

  19. So naija husband tell me as subjective as this question sounds what do u think the general con census is from a man’s s point of view team natural hair or team wigs weavons Brazilian hair and the whole shibang?

    • While we may like the look of the weave on… I’d say most men want to feel free to embrace their women…without worrying about what will come off their scalp.

  20. Naijawife….u have been finished. Lol. Chai! I expect a rebuttal. You can’t let him get away with this. Lol…..too funny.

  21. LOL @ “But she will, without fail, always stop in the middle of whatever we’re doing, to retie it”. eyah, the scarf dey spoil better thing for you abi?

    nice post!

  22. LOL! I just found this blog. HILARIOUS!!!

    I should show my fiance some of your posts!

    I wear a scarf to sleep at night, and my hair doesn’t quite say ‘Waka’ to God, but it’s natural too, so I get your wife’s routine.

    Don’t act like you guys don’t do your own stuff too. I cringe when I have to visit my fiance’s house because all I do is shake my head when I get there.

    • You “team naturals” sha. looks like the wife has yet another supporter lol. Please have your fiance stop by and share his thoughts. I need more men on my side!

  23. Hilarious post as always.
    This blog has become my guilty pleasure 🙂
    Its incredible that you have gained so much husbandly wisdom in such a such time.
    Kudos to both of you.

  24. Awwwwwwwwwww

    I”m new here… but i absolutely love this piece… so real… i pictured every moment and read thru with a guilty smirk on my face…

    bookmarked!!!

  25. I’m new here, I’m so loving this blog and just bookmarked it. Its so interesting, l had to read all comments. Just last week, l was just telling my hair stylist that my hubby hates the sight of hairnets, hairscarf or whatever hair covering. She was like, no wonder you keep coming back to the salon. Tieing wrappers is a no no for me. I’m now very used to walking around the house almost naked if not naked, as my hubby does same. This is possible since the door leading to our section of the house is locked to aviod stories tha touch.

  26. lmao, you guys are hilarious. Abeg free us with our hairnets and shower caps, we dont like our hair messed uo in the morning. chicken bones, i totally relate, i can form ajebutter too badt gan outside, and devour my chicken bones at home, if i dont take care of the bones who will. The chicken cant waste… hehehehehehe

  27. awesome. first time reading your blog and i’m hooked for life! every line was a classic, had me ROTFL….thank you! BTW: i usually don’t do hairnets if my guy agrees to pick up the weekly salon tab…

  28. How come I just discovered this blog? I love you and NW already. When I have weaves/extensions/attachments on, I use a hair net and when its my natural Team Natural hair, I use a scarf. You don’t want to be taming hair every morning.

    Like an earlier commenter said, God bless this your ministry. Whenever I get back in the dating/couple’s circuit, I’m going to make sure le’boo reads your blog religiously.

  29. Oh goodness! NH you are beyond hilarious! My friend just recommended this blog to me tonight and I’ve been reading it in the last two hours. Awesome!

  30. NH you should see me devour cow leg…. NW has mothing on me.
    I personally don’t care for hair nets and scarves as they always fall off, i just deal with the “morning look”!

  31. Lol! Oh my goodness. This could jolly well be my hubby talking about me :-D. I take the chicken bone a little further and take his of his plate cos they’re of absolutely no use to him. What a waste. Just the wrapper part that doesn’t apply – I don’t think I own one sef. Hate them. Well said Naija hubby. Well said.

  32. Interesting post- adding your website to my favourites – I will be back… your wife just sounds like a honest to God real life woman… we are to be cherished – chicken bone and all…my “hairnet” is my cut up tights tied at the end like a sock! Am I not worse? *sigh*

  33. Refreshing read. I wish all men actually thought like this. My fave part was the ‘Is she a werewolf ?’ Made me laugh so hard.

  34. Ah! I have so much catching up to do on this website..lool the bew year post brought me here. I could not stop laughing. Very good and true! Nice one.

  35. So I stumbled on this site by accident and I’m so glad I did as I think you are so hilarious. I absolutely love your wife too and I’m going to follow home girl on twitter. She truly keeps it real.
    To solve the headscarf problem maybe she can use satin pillowcases instead. I have tried it for myself but to be honest Im so used to tying my hair up every night that my future husband will just have to deal with it.

  36. Oh! I really like your blog! just got to know about it today through a friend who posted it on facebook. You are a GREAT writer (and that’s not a psyche), your writing is genuine and sincere. i see you as a very popular award winning author in the nearest future better than any i’ve known!!! You and Naijawife paint an almost perfect picture of my husband&I….lol…we just got married a few months ago & we both got married as virgins after reading almost all those books!..lol..*winks*……This particular post is so true, i can’t bathe without a shower cap o neither can i sleep without my hair net! and when my husband finishes the meat on the chicken, he passes the bone to me…lol…because how can one ever eat chicken without breaking the bone????….the marrow is the sweetest nahhhhhh!!…..Please keep up with your writings and take it higher too, not only blogs, but books! i’ll share your posts with him when he gets home #reallylookingforwardtothegoodlaughs#
    N:B: Please feel free to share your faith too and never mince words when mentioning God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit ‘cos from your posts i can guess that you and Naijawife are both born again and Bible believing Christians……watching out for more of your writings….

    • Welcome to our blog Daughter of Destiny! Many thanks for your encouragement and please thank your facebook friend for us for sharing our posts. An “award winning writer”? My wife’s eyes are already shining at the thought. For now though, we’re happy to share our antics and have you all laugh and learn alongside us, as we laugh, stumble and learn through our marriage. Congrats on your recent marriage (with a special salute to your husband. We’re always glad to hear of other good “naijahusbands” out there) and uh…we hope you had better luck with those books than we did!

  37. Nice…well i thought i would hear you won the hairnet war…a war i’ve been praying to God to help me win forever.

  38. lol @ sit in the loo for as long as I feel like. I ask my husband why he just loves to sit in the loo. It does not take time using the loo. Are the ladies missing something?

  39. Naija Husband, you’ve done well o. Stand up guy!
    Tell them! If a woman, or any person, is ALWAYS done up even at every moment at home, that can be exhausting…that does not sound like something she can realistically keep up for life. I tink sey na television don dey confuse pesin, it’s not reality that every minute of your day, you’re looking extra fresh.

  40. Goodness, you guys are fantastic. It’s so good of you to share your experiences. Thank you

  41. Hahahahahaha! I am in stitches!! Lawd have mercy! Is she a werewolf???

    But seriously, not all of us like hairnets and scarves. However, they are a necessary evil. Especially the scarves (I am a natural hair girl) sorry guys!

    This was beyond entertaining. Good job. Will definitely come back to read.

  42. nice one again, home is always a comfort zone. we do all we want and feel nothing is wrong abt it. kudos to u naijahusband weldon. naijahusbands should learn to appreciate the trur beauty of nature cos naijawives can’t always be classy.

  43. Gees, hairnets are disgusting!! Wrappers are just downright primitive. I just wish daughters can be trained to do without these.

  44. I can’t help but laugh out loud.My first time on your blog and i am hooked

  45. I just discovered this blog and you are just hilarious, I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard; is she a werewolf!!

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