Naijawife and I were asked why we had separate bathrooms on Twitter recently.
I answered that it was to save our marriage from self-destruction.
I have serious bathroom “beef” with my wife. So great in fact that I’ve asked her to write a response to this post and tell her own side of the story. For now, here is my take on the issue. I love my wife. I really do. Her quirks and little “skoin skoin” are just part of a complete package. She can wrap me around her little finger any time of the day without even uttering a single word. But I cannot share a bathroom with her. We both run off to work at the same time in the morning and having two bathrooms helps us get prepared at the same time, without having to wait on the other person. Yes, a mature and loving couple who understands how to share time and space in a peaceful manner would be able to accomplish this same feat with just one bathroom. But that couple probably doesn’t include my wife. My wife enjoys the shower, but doesn’t enjoy actually getting in it. She enjoys the sound of it, the mist that ensues from it, she enjoys walking around it, standing near it, steaming up her mirror with it and leaving me love notes in the condensation. She loves everything that has to do with the shower, except actually getting into it. On a typical morning, my wife will wake up and announce that she’s going to shower. Let’s say it is 8am. She will go into the bathroom and turn on the shower, then walk away. She will proceed back to our bed where she will engage in certain elaborate rituals. She will fold her nighty and bring out the clothes she wants to wear for the day. She will iron those clothes. She will pick out her jewelry and undies and lay them next to her clothes.
It is 7:15 am. The shower is still running. My wife will walk back into the bathroom and brush her teeth. Then walk out again, evaluate her clothes on the bed and head into the closet to see if she can pick out a better outfit.
It is 7:30am. The shower is still running. Deciding she can’t be bothered to get a better outfit, she will walk back into the bathroom and use the toilet. Then walk out again and proceed to the kitchen to make herself some snacks to take to work. Did I mention that she does all this completely naked? (It’s the only redeeming factor about this whole scene)
It is 7:45 am. the shower is still running. My wife is combing her hair in our bedroom. She asks me “Do you like this style? Should I put it back in braids?” I can barely answer, because the steam from the bathroom has now crept out of the bathroom and is slowly landing on my face. I feel as though I’m in a sauna. She likes the water hot even though it is boiling outside and the AC is broken. I reply her with a question “Are you going to shower? The water is still running…” “In a minute.” She replies. She is watching a funny video on her laptop. She asks me to look at the video and laugh as well. I am looking at the clock on the wall.
It is 8:10 am. I have to be at work by 9:00. My wife finally enters the shower. I get a funny idea that I should try to shower with her so that I can save time and not be late for work. Maybe she’ll find it romantic. I jump in with her. I jump out. The water is scalding hot. What is it with women and boiling water? At this point, my ire is growing. Not only has she wasted an hour dancing around her shower, she has almost burnt me alive with the hot water. I snatch some items from her bathroom and run off to the guest bathroom.
It is 8:30am. I am officially late for work when I get out of the guest bathroom. The wife is fully dressed and immaculate. She is sitting on the bed, arms crossed, tapping her fingers lightly on her forearm. She asks “Why did you take so long in the bathroom? I’m dressed and waiting for you and now I’m going to be late for work!” I ignore her and start to get dressed. She interrupts my dressing to say “Sweetie. you missed a spot. You haven’t lotioned your knees.” I am a man, I think to myself. I do not need to “lotion” my knees or cream any part of my body for that matter. I am wearing a full suit to the office, who will see my knees? I contemplate replying her, but realize it would be futile. I lotion my knees.
It is 8:45 am. I get an email on my blackberry telling me not to miss the meeting scheduled for 9 am. I begin to speed dress. She interrupts me again. “What of your face? Won’t you put lotion on your face?”
It is 8:59am. I run out of the door. I call her on the phone after my meeting and tell her not to “binu si mi”. She relents, albeit reluctantly. I think about the cost of this water. When I get back home later that night, I find that she has moved all my things into the guest bathroom. She has placed a large jar of lotion on the guest bathroom sink and a note on our previously shared bathroom door. It reads “Ashy husbands not welcome in here.”
She hugs me and tells me to grab some food. She is off to bed…after she showers.