Two Scary Words

Don’t urge me to leave you or ever turn away
Where you go is where I’ll go, so right with you I’ll stay!
Your people’ll be my people and your God will be my God
Your home will be my home even if you move abroad
No hiding pins or passwords, there’s no secrets between us
Because you’re the one I love the most, the only one I trust
I believed it when you promised me “till death do us part”
So learn everything about me if you want to know my heart
We’re going to spend our lives together, living just as one
So open’s the only way to be… or for certain we’ll be done!  – Naijawife

 

This is Naijawife’s take on Ruth 1:16  (Okay so maybe Ruth didn’t say all that…and maybe she said that to her mother in law and not her husband, but don’t tell that to my wife).

Source: Randy Glasbergen

Source: Randy Glasbergen

Trust and openness. Two scary words our generation fears the most. You would think that being open wouldn’t be so hard for a society that is obsessed with sharing all the messy details of our lives through every instagram picture, tweet and facebook post.  Yet our “look at me!” generation would rather expose everything, including physical nakedness, than reveal who we really, truly are.

Learning to be open with Naijawife was definitely a huge challenge.  However, once we started the journey, we learned the following things:

Like it or not, the past affects you…and others.

We’ve all heard the same tired clichéd phrases.  “What you don’t know won’t hurt you” (Yes it can. And it does. All the time);  “Men can’t handle the truth” (I love hearing that one. It’s like women think men are roaming land mines who will self-combust if they come within 10 km of the truth); and “The past is the past, so why should I tell my spouse the details?” To which I usually respond, Well….why NOT tell your spouse the details if the past truly is the past?

Isn’t it funny how it’s only when it concerns the “negative” information that we try to convince ourselves that the past is just the past? Yet, we willingly divulge every single positive piece of information regardless of how dated it is. Why else do so many leaders want to be addressed as “Former Senator Boniface” and “Former Past, Present and Future Governor Silva” …instead of “Former Cross-Dressing EFCC Fugitive Alami” or “Former Body Count Champion of the University of Lagos?”

Everyone wants to put their best foot forward…and for the most part, I think that’s a natural inclination. But when we look for every reason under the sun to not share something about the past with our spouse then, to be very honest, the root of our reluctance is usually fear. Fear that they won’t love us anymore once they know the truth. Fear that we’ll be abandoned, labeled, or mocked.

I get it. There may be things one just doesn’t want to reveal. But no matter what it is, I’ve learned that there is no worse betrayal and no faster way to destroy trust, than to live with someone you claim to love while hiding the truth.  The longer you hide it from them, the worse the feeling of betrayal when the truth eventually comes out…especially when the truth comes out of someone else’s mouth.

I hate to tell you bro...especially on your wedding day, but your wife is actually a former assassin.

I hate to tell you bro…especially on your wedding day…but your wife is actually an assassin.

It’s better they hear it from you

If it’s true that “everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light” then why not pre-empt the fall out by revealing it first? When you tell the truth first, you control the story.

Let me give an example.  The other day Naijawife called me from a wedding she’d gone to.

NW:  “NH guess what?! My ex just walked in! He’s on the bridal train too!”

NH: *Too busy working to really care* “That’s awkward… have fun sha.”

NW: “No wait, can’t you come and meet me? I need to show you off! How else will he know I’ve upgraded??”

NH: “Why would I need to be there?….Did you forget to wear your ring again?”

NW: “Erm….”

NH:  “Ah. Look, just tell him you’re married if he asks…and try not to gloat when you do it. Call me back if it gets interesting.”

Sure enough, when she got home later she gave me the full breakdown and we laughed about it. But now imagine if 1) I didn’t know already know about the ex and 2) she decided not to tell me, then days later I saw it on some blog (because Naijawife is famous like that) that they’d encountered one another at the party.

I can just see it now. “Formerly Happily Married Naijawife Throws Wedding Ring Away and Rekindles HOT Love with Playboy Ex, While NaijaHusband Hides in Shame! Click here —-> to see the juicy photos!

The comments on that post would have been:

Are we surprised? You know how Yoruba women are!

Dat is ow he carried her 2 Dubai 1 day unda pretense of bizness trip. I saw dem in d airport wit my korokoro eyes. Ashawo tinz! Neva trust a woman!”

And she’ll be there pretending to be happily married to Naijahusband on their blog! I knew their story was too good to be true. Be forming happily married there! Aunty SB- If you like don’t post my comment.”

Hian! Let me park here to read blog comments. Meanwhile, Click my blog name for fashion tips and buy human hair and shoes.”

NH! Shine your eyes! I suggest you get some correct Magun and teach her a lesson! This is what happens when you’re too free with a woman. Don’t trust them. Ladies, click my nude pics here —->

She even looks pregnant in this picture! NH please run a DNA test when it comes out o!  Ehen Aunty L – please when are recharge card numbers being released? I have been waiting all day!

Anon 1:21 – You are a jobless and foolish person.  I know you are really Blog visitor ‘RikeSugar’ posting as anonymous. Wetin concern you wit NW and NH? Ask your bf Kunle why he was just leaving my house this morning. Don’t face your front se you hear?”

Beyond avoiding useless rumours and badly misspelt blog comments, getting the full picture about our past relationships, accomplishments, and trials, and then discussing them in an open and accepting environment did wonders for us. My wife did not hide her debts from me, though she may have feared that it would end our relationship.  Yes, my initial reaction was one of shock but, because I loved her, I tried to find a way to live with it.  I realized that she trusted me with the information because she believed I was actually worthy of her trust. If I wasn’t worthy of it, she wouldn’t have been dating me in the first place, and she certainly wouldn’t have agreed to marry someone who she couldn’t trust.

It takes too much effort to hide

Naijawife was telling me about a conversation between some women in a shop that she’d eavesdropped on overheard the other day.  One of the women had a husband who had never seen her real hair because she even wears wigs to sleep.  When asked why, she responded “Ah! You want him to return my brideprice? Have you seen the patch patch on my head? If he sees it he won’t recognize me as the person he married.”

Foreign demons are expensive...how much for a husband though?

Foreign demons are expensive…how much for a husband though?

I know we belong to a society that praises the goal of marriage above all.  A society that tells you to do whatever it takes to get married, even if you have to cheat, lie, steal, or consult a “prophet” to get the man or woman of your dreams. “Need a husband but his wife is still standing in the way? No problem! For the right price, the husband will be yours and his mamy water spirit wife will DIE BY FIRE!! Call us now and you’ll even receive a free fruit of the womb service as well!

But personally, I don’t see the point to such measures. How long do you want to live a lie? Once you’re married, will you have peace of mind? Constantly watching your back to make sure she doesn’t catch you unawares? Finding the right place to hide the “jazz” you used to snare the girl of your dreams so she doesn’t stumble on it?  It will only be a matter of time before that woman’s husband walks in on her before she’s had a chance to put her wig back on, then what? I can picture the transformation now….

From this:
download

To this:

WHY would you marry under such false pretenses?

WHY would you marry under such false pretenses? Copyright: Warner Brothers

Wigs, masks…and hairnets aside, even though we weren’t always this close, and had to work very, very hard to get to that point (and will have to work even harder to stay close), I can’t imagine having it any other way. I know now that my marriage isn’t a game.  It’s the rest of our lives at stake and how well we live that life together will really be affected by how well we trust one another.  I also trust the God that led me to her, and that alone is all the reason I need to make everything work out.

What sort of trust/communication lessons have you learned in your relationship?

NaijaHusband

Welcome to the musings of the “not so typical” Naijahusband and his lovely Naijawife. Follow us on Twitter: NaijaHusband and NaijaWife

76 Comments

  1. And let the church say amen. Hilarious, but the truth in the undertone as always is refreshing. Hmm NH, seems NW has you reading the blogs more and more with your accurate representation of blogger comments lol. A wonderful piece.

  2. Naija Husband!! Woohoooo!! Another hilarious but thought provoking master piece as always.

    On a lighter note, where is the recharge card? LOL!!

  3. In answer to that question….laying a foundation where neither is afraid to say it as it really happened is key. We have also learnt to realize that we love each other, and that realization keeps us from hiding for fear that the other will leave. Its one day at a time.

  4. omg!! so hilarious especially at the wig transformation part…..had to quickly lower my voice when remembered that am at the office after i laughed out so loud. Great piece by the way. A lot of relationships have crashed due to the lack of these two words in them. NH thumbs up!

  5. Beautiful read. The issue of trust and openness in marriage can not be overemphasized. I think its a basic ingredient of a successful marriage .Thanks NH…

  6. Naija Husband!! Wooohooo!! Another hilarious and thought provoking master piece! A true representation of our habits and mannerisms…..

    On a lighter note, where is d recharge card? You burnt our cable big time re ‘click on my name bladibla’……..

  7. NH BLOG – “A Guide To A Close Fellowship aka Realistic Marriage With Le Spouse”

    Kudos NH and NW :-)

    Thanks for sharing often

  8. Another wonderful article by NaijaHusband! Thank you!! I just read this at work, and I’m struggling not to laugh out loud.

    And kudos to NaijaWife too!

  9. Thank you so much for your honesty. My DH needs to read this…can you write on how to stop d lectures from DH…:-)

  10. And what if the person you trusted with your past is the same one who taunts you with it? I told my husband about my past relationship and the 2 abortions. Every now and then he’d say to me “I chose you despite knowing about your past and the abortions.” And no, it doesn’t feel like a reassurance of love when he says this. It sounds more like “you are not so worthy of my love so just live with whatever bullshit I dish your way” because he only says that when he does something to hurt me and I express my hurt and accuse him of not loving me.

    • Ah Iyemide! I was furiously scrolling down to write about my own experience then I saw yours – you are not alone. I was open from day 1 and all I got back in return was how he did me a favour by marrying me, how I should be grateful because I was so broken and no one else wanted me. And God help me if I didn’t excommunicate every single person he believed should not be in my life, then I was just trying to continue ‘my past’ and he was only looking out for my welfare. Needless to say it didn’t work – I had a mental breakdown and even in his trying to ‘win me back’ his way of doing it was sending me an email detailing EVERY SINGLE THING i had ever told him and trying to show me how even though I was so flawed he still chose me and no man would ever want me so I should do the right thing and come back. My question to you Naija husband is when I settle again (and I plan to by God’s grace) do I do the same thing or just keep my peace? I’d appreciate your take on this. Thank you.!

      P.S loved the way you captured those bloggers comments! loll

      • Hm, Iyemide and Yeside, I think first of all we have to acknowledge that this NH and NW do not have the average Nigerian marriage of today. NH actually reminds me of my dad with his wisecracks and humour. I asked a guy friend what you asked Yeside, I asked him if it is safe to tell a guy everything since I told my ex about my debt and we always argued about me doing a masters (he said I should do xyz and I told him I would do it at my time because I wasn’t prepared for the financial or mental commitment especially because I was already in debt from earlier studies). He hung that over my head the entire time we were dating. He said I obviously lacked discipline and lacked willpower to see anything through and he wasn’t confident I’d make a good wife for him. He was married within 10 days of breaking up with me (thats a matter for another day). Which basically spelled out to me I had wasted 10months of my life (we had been friends for about 9 years prior to dating). The guy didn’t love me. He was looking for excuses to tear me down because he didn’t love me. A man who loves you will lift you up. Ladies, sometimes its that simple. That a man asks you to marry him is no indication of love. My friend said a man who loves me will ask me to tabulate the debt and will ensure I stick to my payment plan so that I get it over with quickly. He also won’t try to control when I study what, because ultimately it is my decision and a good man is simply a protector. He has your back. You can be foolish, broke and silly and that thing he fell in love with is all he see’s. There’s no magic to it. If you observed in this blog post NH said it; he said he was shocked at NW’s debt, but BECAUSE HE LOVES HER, he learnt to live with it. A man who loves you will NEVER allow you doubt yourself or him. He will never do anything to make you feel insecure, no matter what his own short comings are. Your happiness will be paramount and if you love him too, his happiness is your goal and thats what makes a marriage blossom. NH welcome back :))

      • Greetings Yeside,

        One of the first things that jumped out to me when reading this comment was the following statement “God help me if I didn’t excommunicate every single person he believed should not be in my life.”

        Your comment reminds me that I should have noted that both NW and I have been burned in other relationships (familial, friendly and romantic) where people tried to hurt us with what we’d trusted them with. We chose NOT to let those situations define our future though and by discussing how we’d been burned in the past, it really helped us avoid the same pitfalls.

        Your comment also reminds me that I should clarify that my post about communication applies to relationships where there is no abuse. There are some classic signs of abusers that are often difficult to pinpoint as red flags. One of them is the “Extremely Controlling” red flag e.g. when they require you to abandon all those who love and care for you…or when they have the “No One Else Will Love You But Me” red flag, or the self righteous “You’re So Flawed You’re Lucky to Have Me” red flag. These flags help us stay away from people who we know cannot be trusted. It takes time though to figure out how to detect the flags.

        I think openness and honesty work best in a relationship where BOTH adults truly care for and love each other. Not in a relationship where one person seeks to control and abuse the other person.

        Your question merits a longer answer that we would be happy to give via email on “AskNaijaCouple” but to give you a brief answer as to whether to be open to your future partner when you choose to settle down again….the answer is still YES…. IF you are able to choose someone who is emotionally mature, non abusive, AND who is in turn very open and honest with you. But keep in mind that it takes work and consistency. So please don’t let your past encounter with your ex disable you from ever having another decent relationship.

        I may write a blog post full of jokes but at the end of the day, I can’t describe enough the joy that comes from being able to share my world with Naijawife…there’s really nothing like it.

    • Greetings Iyemide.
      Normally this is the kind of question we deal with over email via “AskNaijaCouple”. But the quickest response I can give to you is this…You need to find a way to effectively communicate to your husband that it does NOT feel like a reassurance of love when he does that., while also acknowledging that there’s a possibility he doesn’t mean to hurt you when he does. It sounds like the typical “You’re saying one thing, but I’m hearing another” situation that has caused a lot of quarrels even in our own marriage.

      Each of us have our own sensitivities and sore spots we bring into a marriage…and when someone brings it up it can feel like a deliberate infliction of pain. In writing this blog post (and the Chop My Money posts), my wife could easily have said I was trying to throw her debts back in her face by writing not one, but FOUR posts about it and publicly embarrassing her. She could also easily have “accused me” of not loving her by mentioning it again.Then we’d both end up throwing accusations back and forth at each other and well…that’s a rabbit hole you just don’t want to climb down. It can easily spiral out of control.

      It all comes back to the key point. Communication. Please talk to him in a way that he’ll get it. Please talk to him without accusations or insults or assumptions. You may feel that you’re not getting through to him the first time…or the second or third times…but keep trying. You’ll get there. I promise.

  11. Finally! a post at last. Well done NH…more ink to you pen.
    Trust is key in a relationship, and contrary to some people’s belief, it is yours to give. You have to make people trust you, you have open up to that SO. If you have a snoopy spouse, apart from the person being paranoid, maybe you’ve not given the person enough to trust you.
    By the way, nice representation of bloggers’ comments

  12. Beautiful article. Nothing beats trust and openness in a relationship/marriage. The freshness and openness keeps it going.
    Kudos to NH & his NW.

  13. You were right about fear. It is real. But as a single girl, when should I reveal all? When he proposes? During marriage counselling? What if he decides not to marry me after that? Certain secrets shouldn’t be told like that o.

    • Greetings Sholape,

      We’ve gotten that question a lot. People want to know at what exact moment should they “reveal all”. But we think there’s no exact time. Relationships are organic. As things progress and as you get to know each other better, you’ll be guided as to how to proceed. Also, it depends on what the “secret” is. For example, if you are really a 2 headed sea creature, please don’t wait until the invitations to the wedding are printed before you reveal that!

  14. I enjoyed the passion this was written with. Honesty is my number one turn on. “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” The first and only description of the happiness of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden is that “they were naked and felt no shame.” That vulnerability with someone who accepts you and opens up their weaknesses to you is something that takes you closest to Eden.

    Thanks :)

    • Hi! @HIGHLANDBLUE : I was reading your blog a while ago but I’ve forgotten what its called. Please if anyone sees this can you tell me what the name of his blog is? It has a short story series on it about different pills that give you special powers and experiences from the past year. I’ve been looking for it forever – well, not really. But for a long time sha.

      @NAIJAHUSBAND : I love you guys blog. I just recommended it to a friend of mine. You guys rock

  15. Fantastic read – but I have come to expect that from you NH. Great work. I agree with your take on openness and honesty, and enjoy both with DH. I actually told him ALL to drive him away from me, in the beginning, but he refused to budge. He just doesn’t see my past as a barrier. Glad I was open and honest from the beginning

  16. As much as i love this blog, i disagree. But that is life. We can’t all agree on the same things. Yes openness is important but I don’t think all details are nenecessary. Information about your ex lover is very ok. However, details are not exactly necessary. The truth is we are humans and not God so there is a huge possibility that your supposed lover will judge you! yeside and iyemide’s experiences are realities.
    I used to be one who advocated for such openness but have come to accept the fact that the truth does not always set you free.
    My friend is in a very happy marriage but is quick to always advices never to reveal some details.
    I also asked my mom and aunt last year and they are of the same opinion. It’s not always neceasary. It works for some but not all.
    Please visit my blog http://www.ceejaysworld.com Gracias

      • Moms, aunts, uncles, friends…they’ll always tell you the fear based answer. “hold back”, “don’t reveal”, “happiness is when you hide things” etc etc.

        The truth will always set you free CJ. Even if it lands you in jail :-)

      • Darl, I have so many friends whose marriages have been broken by moms and aunts’ advices. Please listen to them with caution.
        As for NH & NW they r certainly daring. E no easy to tell d truth.
        To all da singles, try to pick someone who will keep your secrets safe n not use them against u. And if u got it wrong already, don’t use your mistakes to discourage others from taking d plunge. Somebody’s gorra try d hard way d only way. Lol

        • DRNSMUSINGS preach girl, preach. Ase, before you listen to aunts’ and mum’s advice, you’ll first check the state of their marriage? On a lot of issues, I’ll listen for sure, but I’ll also use my intuition to gauge a matter. Is it not the same mum’s and aunt’s who bring up girls to expect little to nothing from a man: ”don’t mind him jor, you know he’s just a man”; making girls grow up with the mindset that men are useless, you can’t expect anything from them and marriage is just a means to an end. It leads to such bad marriages with frustrated women. Theres a reason it’s called a partnership and trust is key at all times.

        • LOL. I totally agree to listen with caution. But my referring to my mom, aunt and friend here has nothing to do with them knowing best. Hell no. It’s more about “experience” which again cant be measured by one standard. As i said, it works for some and not all.
          Not like i have any life threatening secrets. But if i did, i think only Jesus deserves to know all that.
          Besides this openness of a topic seems one sided. It seems to focus more on “telling”. What about “accepting”?
          Imagine being in a relationship with someone who decides to tell you he/she used to be a serial killer or rapist. I’m sorry but i cant deal even if that was in the past. Mba.

          • Ah but even serial killers are very “experienced” :-)
            You’re right. Both telling and accepting are difficult to do. I suspect that’s where one’s beliefs come into play. Both my wife and I believe that “love covers a multitude of sins” and that I ( as a sinner who, in the eyes of God, was no better than a serial killer) have no right to withhold the same love God showed me when he forgave my own sins from another person. Especially the wife I have promised to love above life itself….

            Is it easy? No. Is everyone able to do it? No. But I want to have a marriage that does more than “work”. I want one that flourishes.

  17. Beautiful piece as always. Got lost in the progression of the comments as to what I wanted to say. You’ve got a fan here and I share your sentiments and reasons on trust and openness. Let me just add that these ingredients you prescribe for a fulfilling marriage are easier to apply when both spouses are Christians. I marvel when I read the bible about the truths, plans and desires God has for the marriage institution. The world often tries to make one believe that marriage should follow some laid down rules or guidelines. Truth is that marriage is more than that – it is Love and with love, truth and openness easily flows out. I pray God keeps your marriage intact today and always

  18. Openness and Trust worked and still works for me. It’s hard but don’t think too hard; Just DO it or ‘Say’ it as the case often is. I was introduced to my spouse by a mutual friend who didn’t think it was necessary for him to know that we had a history. My friend and I argued about it until I decided I had to let my spouse know. It was hard but I told him every detail including the ‘sexuals’ which he seemed to be very interested in. We talked about it and discussed ways to handle the possibility of a future ex comeback. We were scarcely done talking when he went on both knees and asked me to marry him. It’s being fun all the way and we’re happy. He says he values me more cos of my openness.

    Of course it’s not always like that but it’s like NH said, the truth always sets free. If he or she can’t stick around because of the detail you shared, it’s hard but let ’em go. We all have those things we can’t stand and yours probably was one of theirs. You can be sure that there’s someone with a past out there that you wouldn’t be able to stomach if you were in a relationship with that person. Relationships need to breadth and openness/trust is key it.

    Last last just believe say your own no fit mis.

    • I so much agree with you Spicy. I was engaged to someone and when I told him about my past, the guy started acting strange(he didn’t talk to me for days). I broke up with him asap. But when I met my hubby, same day we started our relationship, I told him about my past. Three days later, he proposed. Today we’re married and he has never brought it up. Like NH said, openness and trust is so so key and they go hand in hand. The truth really sets free

  19. I totally agree! Great post NH.. I believe it is very important to reveal all.
    I am very wary of a relationship where I have to be careful about telling the person my past.. For me, that’s a red flag right there – to check how comfortable I am with the person.
    I have discovered that love makes me more expressive. In a situation whereby I feel I have to seem or be ‘perfect’, I would run for dear life.
    In the same vein, I would appreciate the same courtesy from him.. It would make me sadder to hear or find out something from his past at a later date than if we had previously discussed it.

    Laugh out loud funny post filled with wisdom. Loveit!!

  20. The Witches!!! Childhood memories uprooted there!!!

    That’s not all I wanted to say o, everything flew away after that photo! hehehe
    oh I remember; LMAO at the comment section on the breaking news
    Yup people that is one coherent and intelligent comment “LMAO. ”

    away with me :) *off to search for The witches DVD

  21. Hubby taught me to learn to trust him enough to tell him all about the past, despite the fact that my past was really terrible. After I did, I realised that the trust between both of us got deeper. He once said to me that the past has made me a stronger woman. Telling your partner ALL goes a long way in cementing a relationship.
    I remember when we were about to get married, my mum called me and asked me “does he know?” I smiled and said yes and she told me that since he knows everything then I’ll have peace in my marriage and not have to look over my shoulder always.

  22. It is refreshing to read the comments. NH you have succeeded in attracting mostly intelligent people to your blog. I also loved the way you addressed the issues that came up in the comments section. NW, you have to write a post on how to attract men like NH o. The single sisters are counting on you.

    • KEMIOTUYEMI it is quite refreshing reading comments on his blog posts. They’re constructive and intelligent and yes NW I second Kemi’s request. You need to tell a sister where to find a brother like NH hehehe

  23. Long time fan of NH finally putting down my first comment. I love your blog, please post more often if possible and don’t let us suffer by making us wait several weeks between each blog post.
    Also, I tried clicking on the fake news headline. I don’t know what that says about me.

    I think that trust and openness are praiseworthy goals to achieve in any kind of relationship, not just the romantic. If you can’t reveal who you really are to the person, then it’s time to put full stop to that relationship. Living a lie is just not worth the effort (except of course if you’re a spy working for some country’s secret service – but I assume that is not the case most of the time). And “living a lie” is not only actively telling a lie/pretending to be something you’re not, but also deliberately hiding the truth. I recently ended a friendship because of that.
    The person hid something from me, he had ample opportunities to tell me but didn’t, and I found out from someone else. I think I would have worked toward forgiving him and continuing on with our friendship had he not stuck a knife in the wound by 1)implying that it wasn’t a big deal that he had hidden a very important truth that concerned and affected me 2)attempting to parry the situation by picking out some of my flaws and times when I had also “hidden things from him”… [I didn’t hide them, they were things that happened 2 days before we had our confrontation and for obvious reasons I simply hadn’t gotten around to discussing them with him]. Needless to say, that was the end of that friendship.

    I have learned (the hard way) that just because some people are presently in your life, it doesn’t mean they ought to be there forever. When their presence becomes a toxic, harmful, heavy burden, it’s time to reconsider whether you won’t be better off without them. I’m writing this last paragraph with Iyemide’s comment in mind.

  24. Welcome back! I believe in being honest with your spouse about your past, you might not go into the minute details but you should let them know the kind of baggage you carry before you take the plunge. One more thing, what you don’t know can kill you.

  25. Hmmmm!!! Openness. In the 10years i’ve been together with DH, been as open as I can possibly be but it’s getting mentally tasking for me so i’m kinda having a rethink. DH doesn’t throw it back and all that stuff but Mehn my husband can worry for Africa. I think in trying to be protective, he’ll worry, call you 1million times to ask how you’re doing, he’s a super worrier. now sef I skip out any small office beefs from our conversations o cause he can come to my office to give a bad eye to the offending party. I tried talking this out with him but at the end of the conversations I end up feeling like a bad person but then again maybe I haven’t communicated properly. So for now, unless the issue is life changing for my sanity and peace of mind, i’d rather just keep it to myself

  26. So this is my first time here and your blog has been bookmarked! You were on point! Totally!!! And I love your humour as well..especially the blog visitors comments part..lol.. on point! I want to ask though, do you think the same applies to relationships, because I had a beautiful tell it all in my previous relationship and I never suffered adversely from it. My friends though said I talked tooo much, and I didn’t need to. I want to know your view on this please. Where do you draw the line, or do you save the most damning for when you are married?

    • Welcome! Everything we’ve said applies to relationships. As for where to draw the line…there are no hard and fast rules really but the more serious your relationship becomes, the more open you should be. I think most people have a good sense of when something is important enough to talk about (even if they don’t want to) before marriage. But saving the most incriminating information for “after” marriage strikes me as rather cruel and deceptive.

  27. Quite interesting post. I may have to perform a tabular rasal to let this on sink in though. Enh enh, naijahusband, my sister is very mad at you 4 abandoning us 4 so long. She has refused to read this post( even though she made me give her the gist of it sha o!). I suggest u tender an apology or not( na she go first tire). We love u and I especially love naija wife.

  28. Lovely post as always… I made sure to be open with my hubby and I have no regrets so far, it is really liberating and keeps one at peace

  29. Wow. Lovely. Its my first time here and am so loving it . But I would like to know, this openness and honesty , does it also apply to relationships or just marriages cos I know in marriage there’s already a bond whereas relationships could just easily end.

    • Tricky question. We believe though that marriage bonds don’t magically appear overnight or from the moment you say “I do”. You have to lay the proper groundwork for it from the time you’re still dating.

  30. It’s always refreshing reading a NH post and like most of your readers, I wish you could keep them coming more often. However, I appreciate how you don’t have to write a post “just because”, and that’s why we enjoy your writing… it comes from some place real.

    Meanwhile, I also second the motion that NW should write and tell us how to find someone like NH o, biko. You are indeed a blessed woman to have a man that knows God, witty, wise and writes remarkably well (some men don’t know when to use “been” and “being” -don’t laugh)!

    Back to the matter, I totally agree; trust and openness cannot be overemphasized in relationships. The truth, no matter how bitter, will always set you free. Peace of mind is that freedom.

  31. You have said it all. I once seriously dated someone who said she was incapable of being honest.

    GO CHECK; TRUE ANONYMOUS CONFESSION BLOG

  32. What you don’t know cant hurt you because sometimes you are already 6 ft under before you know what hits you.

    I have always seen relationship as an investment. Some investments are bad investments and some are good. However, I think it is a small price to pay to determine in the short term that a potential partner will hold your mistakes over your head than to live with that betrayal of trust for the rest of your life in matrimony.

    For those in a relationship, I say start small when you want to informing your partner about intimate (by intimate, I mean confidential) details about you. Observe how they deal with the small before you progress onto telling them bigger secrets.

  33. OMG that commentary line up is epic, u over sabi Naija people well well. Like i always say, it is because the foundation is bad that we have so many failed marriages today, most people marrying for different reasons that will make you cringe, not totally loving, respecting and trusting their partner. If i cant freely discuss my past with my spouse, we have no reason being with each other. Haba. Sometimes i think there is something wrong with me for being who i am and being myself but i always remind myself, if you cant stand me being the imperfect person i am, and i cant stand you being who you are, how do we expect to survive for better for worse. Lol. Biko you should have a Reblog button o, kilode.

Leave a Reply