A Letter to My Ex

I wrote a piece that was part of a series called “Letters to My Ex”, hosted by The Naked Convos (TNC).  My letter was titled “My New Life with My New Wife” and I’ve posted it below for those of you who haven’t read it yet.

No pictures this time….just words.

 A LETTER TO MY EX: My Awesome New Wife

It’s been a while since the last time I saw you

I thought about you today and I remembered the end. The day I said “We can still be friends” while you sat frozen in the car, wordless for the rest of the journey. You may not remember how I kept driving at a snail’s pace…as though the time it would take to drop you back home would be enough time to resolve the problems we’d been having.  I replayed the words I’d uttered back in my head, shocked that I’d actually enunciated what I’d only ever thought to myself before.  I willed myself to say I didn’t mean it…but once we reached your home, it was clear things were over.

As I made the last turn, you finally broke the silence and asked “What will you remember of us?”

I didn’t answer you then.  I was too busy questioning my decision to let you go and was afraid that if I responded, I’d change my mind.  We’d parked by the gate of your house, and with your hand on the car door, you looked back at me.  Your eyes said “last chance” and your question hung in the air between us.  But I still couldn’t answer.

So I drove away.

I remember anger.  A deep, besetting anger that I harbored against you for those tears you constantly shed and the emotions you lost control of too easily. There was an even deeper anger that I held against myself for causing you to weep in the first place and for always taking you to a dark place no matter how I tried.  I remember fights.  Public fights, private fights.  Fights so intense they extended themselves into my dreams at night and I’d wake up fearful…still angry.

I remember questions. “How do I know you won’t leave me?” “How do I know you won’t just do what the last guy did?” “How do I know if I should believe you or not?”  I had questions as well, wondering why we were even bothering. I questioned whether I was man enough to walk away, until the day I told you…I can’t do this anymore.

I remember guilt. For constantly hurting you and never being able to do what you needed me to. Guilt for staying in the limbo our relationship had become.

I remember the letter you wrote me the next day, the one I left unanswered. I remember you kept sending letters…and emails…and texts. You didn’t understand my silence.

Neither did I.

But today I thought about you.  For the first time in a long time, I thought about you…as I looked at my wife.  She reminds me a lot of you. But with her I’m everything I wasn’t with you.

Like you her emotions spill out like water from a broken dam and threaten to sweep me away in their fury.  But with her I don’t fight it.  I let myself be pulled in and sink deep into her chaos. Unlike with you, I actually want to drown in her.

Like you I wonder where her mind is most of the time.  But if I question my sanity or hers, she just smiles at me and scoffs. “I hear you have a thing for mad girls” she’ll say, alluding to my past with you. I can’t disagree.

Like you she questions me. But not because she doubts me.  She wants to know me inside and out.  She wants to pull me out of myself, looking for the best parts to bring out into the light. You always struggled to get me to open up, but she does it effortlessly, pushing the words I would have once kept locked up, out into the open, where I can’t rein them in…where regrets are no longer possible.

Like you she dances.  Winding, floating, undulating around me every night.  She dances to the songs in her head or in her collection, giving herself the beat and melody, inventing new steps along the way.  Unlike you she pulls me in, never content to just let me watch from afar.  Now, I don’t struggle to match her steps.  We fall into the rhythm her mind makes, and I can hear it just by placing my ear near her temple.

Like you she dreams.  But she…she actually speaks of her dreams. Sings them to me in my ears and asks me what the meanings were.  She relives them in front of me, capturing every last detail in her dramatic flair.  Then when her recap is over, she pursues them, trying to give them life.  She doesn’t dream that I’ll leave her, the way you always did.

Like you, she shouts in joy and pouts in anger.  Her yells threaten to bring the walls down when she rejoices, and the heavens threaten to commiserate and pour down their anger when she frowns.  But unlike with you, I can’t match her volume.  So I just hold her tight.  She’ll squeeze back, asking me to hold her “tighter.”  I never can though.  Because, I don’t want to hurt her.

You may be wondering if I wrote just to brag about her to you. But I don’t need to.  You already know my wife is amazing.

You know, because she’s you.

It’s been a while since you saw me last. The past me.  The me who needed time to stand by the looking glass and wait to face the dark images of our problems.  The me who needed space to breathe to realize I couldn’t breathe without you.  The me who needed more time to grow up in order to grow with you.  It took you time as well, to let go of the past, to forgive me and, despite the question you asked that day, to not remember us. You needed time to send us into the past so we could come back to the future, to a new beginning.  We both needed time to reach out again cautiously, though doubt threatened to overwhelm us both, and grasp for one another.

I’m not writing to check up on you.  I know exactly how you’re doing.  You know exactly how I am.

It’s been a while since that day.  But now you’re only a room away.  Even as I type this you call out to me asking “What are you doing?” in the sing-song voice I no longer run from.  Now I search for it, listening to it, drinking in the sound of my name from your mouth.

I remembered the end today, but as I close this letter, I face my new beginning…you.

 

NaijaHusband

Welcome to the musings of the “not so typical” Naijahusband and his lovely Naijawife. Follow us on Twitter: NaijaHusband and NaijaWife

90 Comments

  1. Awwwwwwww….so lovely. Can’t wait to meet someone who would truly love me and I’ll love him too. No matter how long, I’ll wait. I believe in love #Iremainhopeful

  2. Omg! Omg! Omg! I’m just reading this and have this bittersweet feeling in my chest. Recently single \( ˘̶̀˘̯˘̶́ )/ and the letter reminds me of the previous r/ship. Although, I doubt if we will end up together. This is soooo sweet.. *sigh*

  3. This just made me cry, it’s absolutely beautiful. This is how love should be. I hope everyone can find a love as true as yours. God bless you both.

  4. No need to tell you how amazing this was. I actually ‘awwwed’ like a brain dead Kardashian when I got to the twist. I can’t wait to be married. Do you train husbands? I need to send my future husband your way. lol.

  5. Very beautiful letter NH. This reminds me of the scripture in John 12:24. I guess sometimes, we all just need to ‘die’ to our current state to truly start living.
    I didn’t see that twist coming. Very well written and so so touching.

  6. If Naija wife is as you said she is you guys are a match made in heaven then, lol! Jokes aside, wow! Growing up on both sides after goodbyes…a powerful message to singles. Very beautiful letter, Naija Husband!

  7. This is the first time I read a blog and I am in tears…you are gifted. God bless you!

  8. Now everyone is going to run and try to make up with their exes…lol. Lovely letter…in fact, let me go reread it.

  9. Naijahusband e ro ra! You wan make we leave our husbands and look for men like you? I jealous naija wife gan!

  10. This is……. I’m rather speechless!
    I don’t understand how people didn’t realise he was talking about NW, I thought it was obvz from the title. On the reals tho, my husband needs to start taking lessons from you, whoever/wherever he is sha! Loved your writing style from before but the context just made it that much better!! Can’t imagine NW’s face when she read this!!!

  11. Sounds just likemy funny story wit my recent ex. I hope he uses d space well cos I want & need him to grow up too. He ended it too wit no explanation but pings everyday & it takes God’s grace not to respond.

  12. Honest, raw, tender… full of hope and promise for the future.

    Naija Husband, I’m used to your other side- using real life stories and humour to distill life (relationship) lessons -this side, I have not previously seen. This side reveals the depth of the well from which we so effortlessly drink, post after post. Well done.

  13. This made me cry. While you described your wife, I pictured a beautiful fairy and I feel a weird sense of loss that I do not know her. You are blessed to have her and she in turn, you.

  14. well well i seldom do this*eyes rolling* but in all sincerity this is a worthy piece,that should inspire both men and women to stand up and grow up to LOVE

  15. I have said this to you guys on twitter, and it seemed like a joke, but I’m so serious, I need to meet with you two amazing people! This letter just has me speechless!!!!

  16. “and there was silence…not of misery…but of hope”. To think that both of you waded through all that hatred and insecurity…into a beautiful life…gives me hope. Thank you NaijaWife…’cos without you NaijaHusband would be just another regular cool guy.

  17. Naija husband, could you pls do a piece on how you guys made it back together? From that dark end to the beautiful life you have now,

  18. I’m crying…..i wish this could happen to me right now……… never knew this was possible….

  19. I was already angry as I was reading this, I was thinking: it’s bad enough you broke her heart, now you think it’s okay to gloat about your new wife. Until I came to the part where wife and ex were the same person. Then I smiled.

  20. Just made me remember my ex. Now I have to close this blog and go to bed. How I still manage to love him after everything he did is still a wonder, though I know he is never coming back. Wish I could be even half as hard hearted as he is. I’m hopeful though, true love will find me one day I know.

  21. goodness. Naijacouple toh bad oooo. Am in love with your love. I just happened upon ur blog tonight and am already hooked! Where have I been anyway. Softly softly ooo. Make I no throway my husband yo!

  22. May you love for a thousand years and more. This is amazinngggg. I now believe in love.

  23. Stumbled on your blog today. My husband and I tread the same path. He cried over the phone instead, cos it was a long distance relationship. Now we are married. I must say, I lurve your blog.

  24. Absolutely stunning piece.. It totally resonates with our(my husband and I) own love story.
    Love- the right love, at the right time, is beautiful!
    Love your blog!

  25. wow…wow..i feel shy reading this because it seems so special that only the recipient should read it.

  26. Even to my ears,it sounds intimate.A letter from a man to a lady…his future lady,his current and only love,his mate and partner.

  27. This was absolutely beautiful! (I’m not crying…it’s my allergies…yeah, right…allergies.)

  28. Beautiful piece NH! I love the twist. God bless your union in Jesus name, Amen! I recently discovered your blog [via the natural hair post], and I have been wondering where I have been all this while.
    God bless you both. I dey wait the make-up post o, abi you don do that one already?

  29. I love love love this one. My best so far. Not like it was easy deciding seeing what a talented writer you are. Nice one!!

  30. Just read this for the second time and still love it!!!
    Will you be posting the story of how you got back together? I remember it was a thought.

    Miss C

    • My thoughts exactly! Read it a thousand and one times. Please post how you got back together. It would guide me in making a decision too.

  31. Hi NH. I don’t know how many times I’ve read this letter. Like others have said, I’d really love to read your piece on how you got back together. thanks.

  32. This is so beautifu . I wonder how I missed it, but I’m glad I still eventually got to read it.

  33. Goodness me.
    Haba.
    Wow.

    Overwhelmed by the beauty of the piece, I sat, ‘gentle’, until I got to the twist.
    That was a damn/haabaa/competition-is-over moment.

    Naijahusband.
    You are one of a kind.
    God gave you this gift.
    Thank you for sharing it.

    O ga o.

  34. I like everyone else didn’t anticipate the twist but I did read the comparisons between wifey and ex feeling like NH at the time needed to grow into understanding and appreciating his ex which required growing into himself as well.

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