Coping with Crackers

She says it just tastes sweeter under the covers…

That’s the only reason she can give me when I keep asking her “Why?” Why do you insist on doing this?”

I first noticed her strange behavior before we got married, so I can’t say I wasn’t warned. But even though she tried to hide it for a while after we were married, it still came out rearing its ugly head, probably worse than it had ever been before.

My wife…is a midnight snacker.

At first, I thought it was a mere quirk that I’d grow to love…but the morning I rolled over in bed to land on a jam sandwich I knew she had a real addiction.  My suspicions were later confirmed after subsequent nights of finding chin-chin crumbs, drops of honey, and remnants of her beloved crackers surrounding her beautiful face in the morning.

Though the evidence continued to pile up, I kept quiet. But the day I reached for her and found my hands circled around a drumstick, I finally decided to stage an intervention.

To be honest, I probably tried all the wrong things.

I tried pleading with her – “Can’t you see what this is doing to our marriage? It hurts me when I have to wake up with biscuits in my ear!

I tried using the Bible – “Ephesians 5 v 22 says you have to do what I say. So stop eating in bed!” – (I don’t know why i thought that would work. It has never worked before.)

I tried logic – “Do you want to get fat? That’s the quickest way to gain weight!” – This method worked for a while, until she figured out that she could also eat diet food while in bed. That was the season when I’d frequently hear her munching carrots in bed.

I tried fear – “You’ll turn into a gremlin if you keep eating at midnight.” warned! Nothing good ever comes from a midnight snack. Just ask the gremlins

Naijawife…be warned! Nothing good ever comes from a midnight snack. Just ask the gremlins!   (

But she made the usual excuses in response. “I’m not addicted…. I can quit anytime I want to!“…”I only do it when I’m stressed!“…  “I only do it when I’m hungry!”… “I don’t do it as much as others do“… “It just feels good!” and the infamous “It’s not like I’m really hurting anyone!”

When she saw that I wasn’t moved by her excuses, she pledged to quit cold turkey and swore it would never happen again.  She made public declarations on her Facebook that she would stop eating after 6pm and renounce her “single girl habits of eating in bed”.  She’d even paste warning signs to herself on the fridge.

Naijawife was on her best behavior for the first few days. No doubt because she was eager to impress me and prove she wasn’t addicted. Then, one night, just when I thought we’d hit a good stride and that she really had broken free of her addiction, I heard some strange sounds in the room.

*Crinkle Crinkle*

I perked my ears up, thinking there was a rat in the room.

Me: “Naijawife…do you hear that?”

NW: “Hear what?”

Me: “That sound. Something rustling.”

NW: “Maybe it’s a rat. Check in the morning.”

I tried to go back to sleep. But a few minutes later, I heard it again.

*Crinkle Crinkle* The sound came again, was quickly followed by a *Munch Munch*, and then muffled coughing.

That was no rat.

It was a human being. Naijawife to be exact.

I kept very still at first…then immediately yanked the covers off of her head.

The moment I realized that I was married to cookie monster.

The moment I realized that I was married to cookie monster.

She scrambled to hide the hobnobs in her hands but it was too late.

We stared at each other for a while in silence….then I asked.

Can I have one?”

She kept silent for a while then replied. “Erm…it’s finished.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. Not only was she addicted to eating in bed, but she was blatantly lying to me so she wouldn’t have to share. I looked over to the table beside her bed, and saw a strange bundle. I reached over her and grabbed it, only to find slices of bread inside. Nicely buttered. Ready to eat.

I got up and dumped it in the bin. Her reaction wasn’t good.

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But I didn’t care. I went back to bed and said nothing more, hoping that would be the end of it.

The next day, before I left for work, she approached me and promised me she would do better. She claimed she had prayed about the problem and that God had reassured her that she would be delivered from it.

I just smiled. I’d read that addicts can be very spiritual when they need to be. Clearly, she was no exception to the rule.

And so our struggle continued. Until finally, one day, it hit me. Every single night that she freely gave into her calorific cravings, was a night that I went to bed after her.

So I started racing her to bed.

The first night, she gave me her usual goodnight hug and “don’t stay up too late working” speech, then went off to have her bath. By the time she came out of the bathroom, and before she had a chance to sneak off to the kitchen, I was already under the covers.

“NH? You’re already in bed?!

“Yeah…I’m just very tired today.”

Clearly disappointed, she climbed in.  Then as soon as her body hit the bed, I grabbed her tightly in my arms and wrapped my legs around hers. If she moved even a tiny inch, I would tighten the lock.

Let me see which biscuit you're going to eat this night.  via

Let me see which biscuit you’re going to eat this night.

That night. It was me or the crackers.

NW: “Um …Darling?”

Me: “Yes dear?”

NW: “You’re in a very snuggly mood tonight…”

Me: “I’m just happy to see you.”

NW: “Yes, but um, my arms…I can’t feel them…is it OK if i shift?”

Me: “No.”

By the seventh night of my death lock of life method, her desire to munch quickly faded.


While I’m pleased with myself for having come up with this, I’m not naive enough to think this method will last. So please drop a suggestion below as to what else you think can be done. She and I are all ears.


Welcome to the musings of the “not so typical” Naijahusband and his lovely Naijawife. Follow us on Twitter: NaijaHusband and NaijaWife


  1. Apparently, I’m the only one guilty of midnight snacking. Its a habit I don’t even feel guilty about.
    Meanwhile, its good to have you guys back in blogsville. Looking forward to more posts

  2. Wow! Naija husband, where have you been? I have missed this blog.
    About NW’s addiction ehn, lol. I’m like that as well, but as I’m still single it has not started disturbing another person. I can’t advise u on how to stop her sha. You are d man, you’ll work something out.

  3. LOL!
    Interesting read!! Unfortunately I have no suggestions.
    I’ve missed you guys! Hope your holiday turned out to be even more than you expected! Glad to have you back!!

  4. Loooooool! I’m quite surprised the fear of getting fat did not work. That’s the reason i cut down my late night snacking.

    Now i miss hobnobs !

  5. Lmaoooo. This is hilarious! Especially the part “I’d read that addicts can be very spiritual when they need to be”. So true. They can quote the bible well. You can’t stop anyone’s addiction especially we women. It gets worse when we are being compelled to give up something. I like the death lock grip sha. Looool. Welcome back! And what took you so long na? I kept refreshing your blog for new posts almost everyday. Don’t leave us again.

  6. LOL…welcome back!!! Missed you guys. The death lock grip sounds like a fantastic idea. Let me say I trust you to come up with something even more ingenious should the need arise. 🙂

  7. I think my man is lucky in this regard. I’m a diet and fitness fanatic. So…e pele oooo. lol

  8. Welcome back! I wish I had suggestions but nah! I’m guilty myself. I’ll be waiting to read any other suggestions anyone has!

  9. I don’t have any suggestions…i just wanna say welcome back!!! Its soooo good to read another post!

  10. LMAOOOOOOO…Oh God!!! You guys are just…..amazing! very well worth the weight…..*see what i did there? :D*
    I think this grid lock thing will work long term..:D Keep going at it

  11. A wonderful read as usual! I love the pictures – they are definitely speaking more than a thousand words!

    If NW is not brushing her teeth after these midnight feasts then tooth decay is a real danger – not to mention aggravated “morning breath”

  12. Oooooh I missed you guys!!! I applaud your methodical approach . If she can make it to 28 days you would have broken the cycle of addiction… For now

  13. LOOOOOOLLLL….this just gave me life…i think i need to figure what method to use with mine…<3 missed your write-ups!!!!

  14. Whoop! You’re back! Dear NW, if you really must snack, watermelons are good and filling. NH, umm I realize I’m not exactly helping the ‘quit entirely’ campaign, I’m sorry 😀

  15. First of all, that was a LONG break but we are glad to have you back. I think she will get over it with time though. Don’t sweat it so much

  16. Weird that the fear of over hanging bits and bobs failed to deliver… This kind goeth not out except by prayer, fasting and the death lock, clearly…

  17. Welcome back! U had me in stitches as I waited in d cold for my train. I couldn’t contain my excitement when I got d post alert. Hilarious as always.

  18. Yaaaaay! What kept u guys away? I ROTFL over n over @ d gridlock. The pic tho! Lol.
    I suggest helping her find a new habit like reading or listening to music in bed. When trying to lose a habit u hv to replace it wt another. Again, why did she start eating in bed? Boredom? TV? If she remembers why, she can convince herself those reasons no longer exist. All d best. Love u both. Esp Naijawife

  19. Please let me know when you find out how to stop this habit ooo. I can’t help myself too. 🙁

  20. Lmaooooo. Welcome back guys.
    Well for me I will advice, buy packs of your favourite tea and drink instead. Worked for me and still works.
    Sometimes I’m tempted to get a midnight snack, I try as much as possible to make it a healthy one. Apples, cucumber, carrots.
    But tea works. I like pomegranate or any fruit tea that’s red. Lol. And u can drink as much as u want too 🙂

  21. Welcomeack.. no suggestions at all. I snack in my bed too and no plans to stop anytime soon.

  22. Theyyyyyy’re bacccccccckkkkkkkkk! Praise God!!!!!! This gave me fits of hysterics at work! NW, see how NH opened your yansh not just as a midnight grubido but one who refuses to share. NH, maybe you should scare with the old wives tales of how the only people who eat in the dead of night are witches and wizards. NW, you don’t want to join ‘egbe’ do you????? Missed you guys mehn!

  23. LOOL!! NH & NW i’ve missed you guys, welcome back!! Reading this in the office is hard -tying to hold my laughter lol this has made my day! May the Lord continue to bless your marriage guys!!

  24. I’m glad you’re back, HABA!!! Please buy a padlock for the fridge…the very big kind, and keep the keys like a locket around your neck. That should do it.

  25. NH, ma’a binu. This sounds like comfort eating to me. Many women have something they like to snack on to round off the day. We do it as spinsters (there’s no one judging at this point) and then it becomes part of us.
    So, here’s my advice: if it’s not too much trouble, make it a ritual for both of you.
    Someone suggested tea earlier….. So, flavored or green tea + some hobnobs (chin chin) + sweet gist to officially round off the day!
    You can control the quantities you both (she’s) having and control unwanted bedmates too.
    You can both brush your teeth after this, but this removes the need to hide and munch.
    No break her neck with your grip abeg! Kô le tô bé!

  26. Omg!!! was just gonna tweet NH to know if yall are back from vacay! I absolutely missed you guys and it’s so nice to read from u. Unfortunately I have no wise suggestions to help u out. But like sumone previously commented, encourage her to wash her mouth before bedtime. That shd reduce urges to munch. Pls steady posts now oo biko.

  27. Stop moaning. Give up the death lock of life. Encourage her to eat. Then Grab three and a half out of her four crackers every night, even if you’re not hungry. Munch and tell her how delicious they are. Write another post and let me know how it went. 🙂

  28. Am quilty as well..n funny part of it,is that my self n my hubby engage in it..lols..

  29. Finally!!! I really missed your posts NH.
    Lol, that’s a hard habit to drop(I should know) , Truth is, if you get into bed really tired, snacking would be the last thing on your mind(In my case at least).

  30. Naija husband, simply place a nice looking rat gum around the room and tell her u saw a rat, around all the crumbs and you want to catch it. or place a cockroach near her side of the bed and tell her ‘its probably cuz of all the food lying around’.

    She will start freaking out… or she will read this and think its a set up…. or is it Naija wife? Is it? *evil smirk*

  31. It’s great to have you guys back! Unfortunately, I don’t have any solution to NW’s addiction. Good luck dealing with the cookie monster!

  32. Lmaoo. Oh my goodness, you are just so damn talented with your writing. I missed these posts. I laughed so hard. Welcome back….:-)

  33. ROTFLLLLLLL@the moment I realized that I was married to a cookie monster…this post is just so hilarious


    THANK YOU JESUS! KAI! The HAPPINESS in my heart. And this post just goes to show why I love you guys so much. You guys take the concept of amazing to like a whole other level though. SO cute, SO funny, SO eloquent.

    God. I love You. Thank You for resuscitating the best part of the internet.

  35. Glad u guys are back!!!we milssdd as for the midnight snacking i also occassionally indulge in this, esp. if i’m watching a movie or did not eat proper food during the day and sometimes my sweettooth just kicks in and i have to eat. I fight it sometimes by locking the fridge, or d bedroom door and giving hubby the key or i force myself to sleep. at the end of the day its up to NaijaWife to decide to curb it, she will when she’s ready. Its more of a mental exercise to overcome the crave and tummy rumbles.all za best!

  36. I was in tears!!! This was mostly due to the fact that I’m a midnight snacker and can get away with it as there is no Mr yet 😛
    Naija wife I feel your pain!

    In other news, where has this blog been all my life 🙂 I love it!!

  37. Lmaooo@Cookie monster. NW, biko let’s do something about this de-repment please. Missed you guys & I still don’t receive email alerts 🙁

  38. Been ages I came here…

    A suggestion, have a convo with her and both of you should reach an agreement. Punishment for snacking midnight should range from her buying you whatever you please to doing chores none of you like…look for unpleasant stuff…
    Most important, every night she doesn’t snack, commend her, tell her how proud of her you are. Affirmation always tends to re-enforce a positive behaviour/habit.

    Well done!

  39. Start eating with her and be more of a slob than she is…..she go stop am ASAP

  40. Wow…I just saw your post on Mobys blog and I just couldn’t wait to run here. You are so funny. I’m already addicted.
    Well I should stop my midnight snacking too but it’s not that bad. Well you can try hiding all her snacks.

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