What they tell you marriage does. Don’t believe them.
No doubt about it, Marriage is an incredible institution. When two people come to live together for the first time and start a family, it’s a beautiful thing. That’s why, despite the bad rep it gets, most people will still encourage you to marry. In fact, they want you to marry so much, that they’ll say all sorts in their bid to convince you. They’ll claim that marriage is good for your health, marriage makes you a better person, marriage improves your livelihood, etc etc.
These things are all true…. but what they don’t tell you though is that marriage is also a very awkward, and at times, painful institution. It comes with occupational hazards. No one wants to tell you about this part, so let me be the first to let you know.
You two will injure each other.
You will not mean to, but you definitely will. Especially if you’re both clumsy like my Naijawife and I.
How you ask? Let me share just a few embarassing examples with you.
Incident Report #1
Shortly after we were married, I wanted to treat Naijawife to breakfast in bed. I’m not the best cook in the world, but breakfast is my strong point. So I fried some eggs, toasted some bread, dropped on all the marmalade she likes and carried the tray over to her.
I’d boiled some water for her tea and, after dropping off the tray, I turned back to get the flask. Once I reached her side of the bed again, I loosened the top of the flask as she raised her teacup up to receive the water.
I don’t know what exactly happened after that, but suddenly, instead of smiling at me and singing my praises, Naijawife began screaming in pain and the flask, now empty, lay near her arm. Her screams continued as she ran past me to the bathroom and started flushing cold water over her arm.
Some time later, she came back to the bedroom but I hadn’t moved from my position. Later, she would tell me she thought I was in shock (despite the fact that she was the one who got burned).
But it wasn’t shock that froze me. It was shame. Shame that I was barely into the marriage and had almost sent my wife into the emergency room. I couldn’t even ask her if she was O.K. because I was afraid to hear the answer. I started picturing what I would tell her parents if I had to call from the hospital room. What if they accused me of abusing her? What if the doctors wrote that it was an incident of domestic violence? What if her skin peeled off completely?
I could already see the headlines in my head. “Man Burns Wife Because She Asked Him To Make Breakfast. Father Swears to Burn Him In Revenge!“
In my panic, I didn’t even notice when she tapped me on the back.
“You alright?” She asked.
“Am I alright? Are YOU alright? I almost burned you to death!” I replied.
“Oh pish. It’ll be fine in a few days.” She casually reached over for some toast and started munching away like nothing was wrong. Finally, I sat next to her and covered my head with my hands.
“Darling it’s alright! Accidents happen! Just don’t pour hot water on any of our future children.” She was joking. Obviously, she was trying to cheer me up, but I could not be consoled.
Incident Report #2
This time around, we’d been traveling on business and hadn’t seen each other for a while. Maybe we should have rested first but, eager to reconnect, we headed straight into what men and women do best. Seated on the settee, I suddenly had the bright idea to move her to the dining table. I must have overestimated my own strength after such a long trip…but whatever my body’s excuse was, we didn’t quite make it to the table.
I haven’t completely figured it out till today. But from what I gather (or what she tells me), I lost my grip and dropped her right before setting her down. As she slid down, her head hit the desk and the impact bounced her back unto me. I caught her again but the dead weight made me drop as well and we both landed on the floor.
She burst into laughter as I moaned in pain on the ground. I suppose it was a funny situation, but she kept laughing…and laughing…and laughing.
Finally, I noticed her laughter was going on for a bit too long. Not realizing then that she’d been badly injured, I looked over at her and asked where she was hurt.
“My head o!” and she burst into more laughter.
Oh. Crap.
Was she getting hysterical? Did she have a concussion? Reaching for her, I tried to pull her up. She swayed from side to side.
“Can you walk?” I asked
“Shooooorwrw!” she said.
Great. Now she was slurring.
What had I done??
“I’m worried…should we go to the hospital?” I told her.
“Ahhhm nahkeid! They caaaant….caaan’t look me!” She answered.
Yes. Definitely slurring.
“Darling, You don’t sound so well…” I protested, but she reached for my knee.
“Ahhh you hurt? Yo kneee is — is tearing.” and she started laughing again.
“Babe why are you laughing???!”
“Iz shhoooo funnny!” She answered. Then she lurched over to the freezer, pulled out some ice and came back to put it on my knee. At that point I thought maybe she really was alright. After all, she’d been able to walk to the freezer and complete a deliberate action right?
Then she went to have a shower, and at the sound of the water I think I convinced myself she was alright. After all, showers are her thing….so she must be O.K.
By the time she came to bed, I’d fully convinced myself that she was back to normal. She entered the bed, closed her eyes and lay very still. I inched closer to her.
“Naijawife, you’re ok right?”
No answer.
“Naijawife…” I repeated.
“Hmm? Fine” she answered.
I’d googled concussion on my phone. She wasn’t throwing up or anything…so eventually I started thinking we had unfinished business, and inched closer to her. Letting my hands do the questioning, I slid them underneath the covers.
Before I could move any further, her hands seized mine under the cover. She turned to me, eyes wide open, and said:
“Babe. I’m alright. But I’m not that alright.”
But I thought she was alright!
So there you have it. Injury upon Injury. The occupational hazards of two people living together in marriage. Now before we were married, we received all sorts of counseling, prayers and advice. But I don’t remember getting any forewarning by our beloved elders and counselors about this stuff. Even on our wedding day, all day long throughout the ceremonies, these were the sort of prayers they made.
“Naijahusband, your eyes shall never turn to meet another woman.“, “Naijawife, you shall always have the desire of your husband.” On and on it went. Prayers that we would prosper. Prayers that we would love each other. Prayers that we would carry each other into our old age, etc. etc. Those prayers were all well and good. But if you ask me, what they should have prayed was:
“Naijahusband, may you never accidentally pour hot boiling water on your wife!”
“May your grip always be strong so that you can carry your wife to a table securely!”
Most of all, I wish they’d have prayed that I would always be my wife’s Superman and never cause her to feel any pain. But after a set of bruises, near concussions and sprained knees, I keep thinking its just part and parcel of the whole journey that we two clumsy people will have to deal with as we grow together. Maybe we’ll fall into a perfect, synchronized unison and eventually put our awkward, completely mortifying, wincing-in-pain moments behind us. Until then, I’ll just pray that we’ll continue to love and laugh (non-concussion-induced laughter of course)…and always keep the bandages near.
What sort of embarrassing incidents have you had in your marriage?
Injury upon Injury…very real post.
Thanks people and welcome back to blogville. We missed you.
There’s so many occupational hazards of marriage no one tells intending couples, they just figure them out themselves. Glad you have the great friendship and humour to handle the injuries as they come and we are sure more will come. NH, receive Superman abilities to just stop them from happening in the nick of time. LOL.
This is the funniest post still. Lol.
Aww…. Lovely piece! I’m alright, but not that alright! lolololol!
This kind of clumsiness is what makes marraige and relationship fun . It is also what makes us human. When you are not Superman or James Bond, why will everything so ethereal, smoothe and suave. *Hian*
What funny gist will you have to tell your children over and over again in your old age, who in turn, tell their children who tell their offspring…?
You get my drift, eh?
If it is colliding with each others head repeatedly while trying to hug *chuckle*… that happened to me.
Loved the… FIL promising to burn him back part. Hilarious!
i liked the ‘realness’ and sincerity of the post.
Naija husband why did it take u so long to post something… I missed ur write ups trememdously…. Pls don’t do this to us again o…
There’s a Naijachild now? LOL!
I asked the same question oo.. lol
Abeg, i only see one clumsy person in this story o! lol.
But yeah, the clumsy accidents are par for the course. They are in my single life at least so i’ve never had any reason to believe that wouldn’t carry over into married life should i decide to give up on spinsterhood one day.
Very lovely and sincere post. Thanks Naija husband for this post. And, we missed you…
“I’m not that all right” hahahahahaha
I don’t remember any injuries in my marriage. I think some people are naturally accident prone. I think my wife is one of them so I kinda have to look out for tumblers on the edges of tables, metal legs of chairs and tables, electric shock and explosion risks, needles and pins, slip hazards in the bathroom, knife injuries while slicing onions, burn risks from pots and pans, and so on. Wear your slippers darling!
I think I am the safety officer in the house lol
Real yet hilarious. Welcome back
Twinnie sorry about your burnt hand o, and your head! I wish I could be a fly on the wall while you guys get up to all this! Waaaaay too funny! Now I feel like hubby and I aren’t really living life, because we don’t try any things that cause these kinds of accidents 🙁
I laughed hard and long while reading this (thank God I’m alone).
This is definitely one thing no one warns you about. I’ll send this link to my mentor what the question, ‘what else haven’t you told me?’
I’m guessing no one wants to share their embarrassment or put singles off marriage. Maybe. I dunno.
But not you two. You guys are the absolute best. Can’t wait for you to become parents. 😀
Welcome back my fav couple.
This so-called clumsiness is what makes each marriage beautiful, unique, and it keeps the passion burning
I love!
This is soooo funny. Le hubs is also accident prone, in fact he has an M.sc in kitchen hazards. Its either he pours half a bottle of vegetable oil in his noodles or he pours almost a whole can of oregano spice in his noodles. I try soooo hard not to laugh when this happens and i hope he never gets to read this cos he won’t forgive me. Lol
thank God for humour even in “accidents”.. may I have this same friendship with my future man o Lord, amen.
welcome back NH and NW, you were gone for too long. ah!
I picture this would be me in the future. Unless I marry someone that’s so graceful and not clumsy and he just thinks I’m embarrassing.
Lord, I hope not
LOL.. This is just hilarious!
“Babe I’m alright but not that alright” did it for me – hahaha
Lovely – I think this post just goes to reinforce how important it is to marry your friend – Imagine going through this with someone you’re not comfortable with *cringe cringe* lol
Oh my stars and garters! This was hilarious. I too have trembled in fear of what my father in law would do to me.
I’m also glad I’m not the only one to have gotten a variation of “I’m alright but not that alright.”
Ps, surely naijawife did some wounding of her own?
OMGeee this is so funny! I’m cringing with y’all. I’m very quick to laugh at myself with myself when I have an awkward moment. Not sure how quick I’ll be with someone else around. I don’t want to marry just my friend. I want to marry someone I’m comfortable with as I am with my sisters. I’m not even my true complete self around some friends sef. I suppose it’s not very possible. I’ll just have to keep an open n humorous mind n learn how to get past d awkward moments. If not omo na separate houses o
Welcome back.
I really enjoyed reading this post. It shows how important it is to be comfortable with one’s spouse. It also reveals a depth of caring for each other that’s just awesome.
The honesty that emanates from the post too is astounding.
Thanks for sharing
Lool. Nice post! Funny too, I’m sure it wasn’t so funny when it happened. Thanks for sharing. God bless you guys!you’re such a great couple!!!
As usual, I just cracked a rib, reading this post. What I love about you guys is how you make beautiful memories and cull lessons out of the tiniest meaningless things. Its also beautiful that you write ’em…. Nothing preserves moments like a pen. 🙂
http://www.negrifille.blogspot.com
A post finally! I had been stalking this page, please don’t leave it too long.
I laughed my heart out at “I’m alright but not that alright” I can just imagine myself saying that kind of thing.
Injuries ehn, a certain knee twist during the action ended the action for that night, or did it?. Loool.
I stalk and stalk for weeks but you don’t post. I go for a day or two and you bring on the funnies. Kilode nau? Glad to have you back. You sent me reeling with that terrible headline. Sounds like naija’s PM News.lol. Thanks for helping us prepare for the beautiful and imperfectly perfect moments of marriage. I’m not even sure now if I should wish you more of those, seeing as it’s usually NW at the receiving end. NW, what say ye?
Laughing at stories of your accidents seems so wrong, but I can’t help it lool. I love the amazing friendship you guys have in your marriage, and can see many more laughs and happy moments between you two.
Love you guys and thanks for yet another funny post!
ourstoriesinc.com
It’s lovely to see you guys have friendship as the basis of your togetherness!!
Lol! Very hilarious, kai! Really good to marry your bestie sha…..good understanding working here.
Ok!!!v NH and NW you guys are so funny. Although I’m not married, you guys make marriage look real. I love your blog. Hopefully my husband will understand me. I’m defnly not a typical nigerian wife but I’m sure I will make a wonderful wife and mother. Xoxoxo
Late to the party (as NW knows by now) but this reminds me of the time Cakes punched my eye while we were watching a movie! For whatever reason, his hands decided they belonged to Vin Diesel and my eye was the bad guy!
this is so hilarious NH and NW. although it seems NH is the accident prone one here. A while ago, we got a rechargeable fan and dear hubby thot he shud do the manly thing and set it up. later that night i got up to pee and walked passed d fan with my eyes shut only for the fan blades to slice my very wide hips. apparently DH got tired of been handy and thot we cud use it like that anyways.
he was so shocked at the amount of blood dat dripped down my leg. he wanted to doctor over the thing but i just wanted to go back to bed. every time he sees the scar he says he cant believe he did that to me. these things do happen and only when u have a friend for a spouse that you can laugh over this things.
glad to hear we are not alone! There’s been blood shed in our home as well (usually mine) – NH
LOL Chief, na so e suppose be. We don’t want NW to shed any blood na. You’ve taken that cross upon yourself…as the loving husband. LOL.
the funniest post i have read in a long while, i actually spilled coffee over my shirt while at it. Sounds like a fun marriage sha…
er….whens the next update. been too long na!
Hahaha Classic! We can’t wait to get married and share our injury stories.
Another post plsssssss………
Bless y’all
its been two month since your last post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why una no dey blog again naija husband and wife?
Nice touching story, we forgive you for all the bruises, it’s the effort and thot that counts! Lol
This was extremly hilarious! I’m only 6 months into this life and I already have a few stories of my own. It is essential, actually the most important thing, to be friends with your spouse, if not anything, at least for your own peace of mind! You’re here forever oh!
Hahahah…the bfast in bed never ever works!!!! He is halfway thru bfast and I wake up(showing my naija skills ) three times now it’s been a failure and he would go oh nooo you always wake up before I’m done. Me: awww sorry na. Him:I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. After brushing I head in to kitchen and start to wonder what exactly he cleaned up…kitchen still looked the same way it did before bed…
Great post NH
Phoenix…surely he gets an E for Effort?
this is so true and really helps my outlook to marriage. My hubby is a gentleman ajepako..or which shud come first. its a lot of learning..lol. what a hilarious view to real life! thanks so much..Thumbs up to NH n NW!
I had to comment on this one! First of all, glad y’all are ok 🙂 So less than three years into our marriage:
– he’s accidentally hit me on the head with the trunk of my jeep, giving me a concussion as I delivered cupcakes,
– playing around, we’ve fallen off the bed onto hips and arms,
– once I flicked his lip with my elbow in our sleep,
– dropped and broken random wine glasses while barefoot,
– he’s nursed me through illnesses and surgery,
– and both almost breaking our feet on the legs of our new bed.
We’re both super clumsy and my boss even joked that I’d never had so many health issues until I got married so maybe I should consider divorce. I was just like meh, we’ve all gotta go one day!
So glad I found your blog today…I love it here already 🙂
Glad to hear we’re not the only ones treading carefully on this injurious journey…but the trunk of your jeep? really?
“Babe. I’m alright. But I’m not that alright.” God bless you guys! *shakesmyheadvigorously*
I swear, this got me laughing like mad man. Nice post!!!
You dropped her?! OMG!!!!!We need to intensify those prayers for Superman powers. In the meantime,mgbo,hit a gym.
Lollllllllll.